Broken Wings
by Piano'sIrishTater
Summary: Orphaned Tino, only sixteen, has been through so much pain already, it's unbelievable. It seems no matter how many times he's adopted, he ends up back at the orphanage. Can a prayer to God save him or will he be stuck alone for the rest of his life? SuFin
1. Thanksgiving Prayers

As far back as I could remember, I had always been alone. Sure, I had had several parents who loved me very much, but they weren't REALLY mine. Since the beginning, everything had always belonged to someone else, and I was just pretending that it was my own. Seeing how I had lived in an orphanage more than half of my young life, I had never really owned much. Some clothes, maybe, and the little dolly that had belonged to my older sister, who had been adopted out five years ago, leaving me behind.

And all alone.

When I was three, my mom had taken me and Sis to the grocery store with her, just to pick up a few things for dinner, like we always did when our house was foodless. I couldn't remember much, just that it was fun and there were a ton of people there that day. Which, due to the crowds, caused us to be home later than usual. Dad didn't really like that. He always wanted us to be on time, prompt and exact. That was how Dad was. If you didn't do exactly what he wanted you to do when he wanted you to do it, he would slap you and sometimes punch you until you cried. That was just the way it was in my home and, being so young, I didn't realize that every family didn't go through the same thing when they came home later than usual.

But that was that, and we were late, so Daddy got really mad. We all got punished, but Mom got the brunt of it and… and she ended up dead, her blood spilling all over the floor. I'd never forget how it stained our pretty white carpet scarlet as the fluid leaked out of her body, her chocolate brown eyes open and glassed over, pleading for my help, or the way Dad came after Sis and I seconds later. But the part I'd always remember, no matter what, is what happened after we got away, running for our lives until we came upon the police station, the faces of the cops who saved us still fresh in my mind.

"Haha, you can't catch me!"

The sounds of the other orphans playing reached my ears from where I sat alone on the swing set, gently rocking myself forward and back with my feet. The wind was cold today, the sure signs of winter heavy in the bone-chilling air. Already the leaves had changed colors on the trees from bright, leafy green to the soft, glowing hues of orange, red, and yellow that were associated with autumn and started to fall off, turning a dead brown as the trees grew more bare by the day.

Starting to shiver, I reached up to tighten the hand-knitted light blue scarf that hung around my neck, pull my matching hat further down on my head, and be sure that my straight, golden-blond hair didn't look too haphazard, though who really cared what I looked like? I supposed it was a teenager thing, just a natural habit to care about appearances. I could feel my face growing warm where it was becoming frost nipped, my cheeks probably a bright pink by now from the winds buffeting. After all, where I was sitting was the most unprotected area from any kind of weather, but I didn't really care. It was my favorite spot and I wasn't going to let some force of nature stop me from being here, even if I was beginning to snot everywhere.

Crossing my arms over my chest in an attempt to keep warm, I suddenly realized I didn't hear the sound of the younger kids playing anymore. Alarmed, I turned to see that they were all going inside, chatting about how cold it was getting and that it was almost dinnertime as they were ushered inside by the nun who owned the institution, plus a few of the workers who helped out there, all of whom were also nuns. For the second time this week, they had forgotten me. It was like I could just disappear and they would hardly care. In fact, they would probably just be happy that they had one less mouth to feed.

Heaving a sigh, I pulled myself off the swing, pulled down my snow white jacket so that it wasn't all bunched up, and followed the rest of the orphanage inside, picking up the rear, as usual. The building was relieving to step into, due to the warmth and the cheery atmosphere of all the people, sitting around a huge table and handing out turkey, mashed potatoes, and peas on trays to all the inhabitants of this place. I started to wonder why they were giving out such a fancy meal, when usually we only got sandwiches… and almost facepalmed due to my ignorance.

It was Thanksgiving, so obviously we were going to be having a nice supper.

Grumbling inwardly, I chose a seat alone at the very far end of one of the tables, where I could eat and pray in peace. Reaching my spot, I set down my train and bowed my head, clasping my hands in prayer, ignoring the sneering looks some of the other children gave me. I did the sign of the cross and began my talk with the only person I had left to my name in this world. God.

_Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this wonderful meal and for the caring people who made it for me to eat. Thank you for the roof over my head, the bed I sleep in at night, and thank you for staying with me whenever I need you. I know I can always count on you, even when everything is looking bad. Like… well, right now. You see, Lord, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I've been extremely lonely ever since my sister was adopted, and I haven't been able to make any friends, though I've tried. So, if you'll hear my prayer, I would like to ask if maybe, if you get around to it, can you please send me a friend? Please, God, will you send me a guardian angel? _

I finished my prayer with one more sign of the cross, sealing the deal and digging into the rare treat that had been laid out for my consumption.


	2. Arrival of an Angel

It was Christmas Eve when it happened. I mean, of course, when the caretakers started to prepare another bed in the room where all the boys slept. It was right next to mine, which made me a little nervous, but I had told God that I was trying to make friends, so… I would try with this new guy. It was a little weird, seeing all the nuns so worked up like this about one kid. I mean, how was he different from the rest of us? Why did he get to be so special? I didn't want to admit it, but I was jealous, even though I hadn't met him yet. I knew they'd probably baby this guy, since they'd set his bed up nicely, with a heavier blanket than I had and a cute little teddy bear.

If this was the usual welcome wagon they rolled in, they hadn't done it for me.

I couldn't sleep all night, wondering what the new kid would be like and if, maybe, despite the special treatment he would inevitably be receiving, we could hang out and get to know each other. Maybe he would even be nice to me! The morning was bright and sunny, there before I could even get a mini-nap in. Due to the fact it was Christmas, all the younger children were anxiously awaiting the call, the one that we got every morning to wake us up, though by the time it came, most of us were already awake and milling around, hungry for breakfast.

This morning, though, something else entirely was on their minds. All they cared about was seeing if Santa Clause had come last night, bringing joy to the orphanage and everyone in it, including me, even if I didn't believe in a fat guy towed by eight reindeer in a sleigh anymore. They wanted to see if he ate their cookies, filled their stockings, maybe left them a note saying how good they had been his year, and then they would tear into their present (we only ever got one) and be entertained all afternoon with whatever they were given.

Finally, we heard the call and I had to jerk to the side to avoid being trampled by the swarm of children, hyper with the thought of Christmas, greedy with the thought of getting new stuff. I couldn't say I didn't feel the same, but I wasn't going to trample people over it. Calmly, I followed the group down to the living room, where the Christmas tree had been put up about a month ago. We had all decorated it with colorful orbs and streamers, and then they had allowed me the privilege of putting the star on top, seeing how I was the oldest. There were presents underneath it, shining and glittering in their glossy wrapping paper that was just begging to be shredded. They attacked their things savagely, ripping open their presents and shrieking with delight.

I stepped to the side of it all, waiting until they were done to have my turn. Instead, I just took my stocking off the wall, only pausing when I saw a dark blue one with the name Berwald scrawled across it right beside my own. The writing was messy, but it was kind of familiar, though I knew I'd never seen it before. Hesitantly, I reached up and drew my finger down the letters, the glitter paint hard and dry. Curious but not wanting to pry, I took my own massive sock away from the rest of them, opening it to find it was filled with candy. The other kids had all torn through their presents by this time, so I went to go find mine while they went over and mauled their stockings like the little pariahs they were.

I checked around the tree two whole times, investigating every inch of the thing, and felt my heart sink down. There wasn't a present left here anywhere. Cautiously, I circled it one more time, then felt a burning behind my eyelids. No, there wasn't a single one left for me. They had completely forgotten about me. Turning away, I felt mortified as tears began to form in my eyes and slide down my pale cheeks. I didn't even know what I was crying about. This was stupid, there was absolutely no excuse for me crying about being forgotten on Christmas, especially when I was sixteen years old. Despite my efforts to bully myself into silence, the tears just wouldn't stop falling, so I crawled away, finding my favorite seat in the whole building, a window seat in the next room over, and letting the tears fall silently as I stared out at the bleak, windy winter day.

"Tino!" I heard a female voice call. "Tino, where are you, honey?"

So they DID remember my existence? I tried my hardest to be strong, wiping my face off and heading to where the nun was calling for me. What I saw when I got there almost had me backpedaling into the other room. Sister Annie was standing next to a tall boy, smiling like today was the greatest day ever. He was about six foot tall, compared to my 5 foot five status, and he, unlike the Sister, wasn't smiling. In fact, he was downright intimidating, glaring down at me with dark, sapphire blue eyes surrounded by glasses and a scowl that could make a baby cry. His blond hair was a similar color to my own, only a little bit shorter. But the most noticeable thing on him seemed to be the pain in his eyes, the way the world seemed to be crushing him with its weight, just as it had crushed me so many times.

"Tino, dear, this is Berwald. He's just come to us from Sweden, and I would like to ask you if you would show him around and how things work here?"

As much as I wanted to ignore her request, ignore her pleading, beady black eyes, I couldn't leave this new guy alone. So I nodded and she grinned, winking at me as she walked away. Okay, that was extremely weird. Hesitant, I looked up at him right as he looked down at me. Our eyes met, sending my heart flying in my chest at ninety miles an hour. Was I afraid of him? Uh, serious understatement there. But some part of me, I'm not sure which, realized that this wasn't just terror. Deciding to pass the strange feeling off as gastrointestinal issues, I introduced myself.

"Hello, I'm Tino," I said, holding out my hand for a shake, watching it quiver.

He took it in his own, much larger, rough-skinned hand and shook it, quietly mumbling, "Berw'ld."

Hardly a meeting worth commenting on, but then again, I didn't realize how much this encounter would mean to me in the future.


	3. Honey

At first, it was like neither of us knew what to make of the other. We were constantly glancing at each other awkwardly, while a careful silence continued to loom around us. I showed him around, like I had been commanded to, but my words seemed meaningless, seeing how he was paying more attention to me than to our surroundings. When the tour was over, he blinked in shock, surprised to come back to the real world.

I decided to try a joke, hoping that maybe it would break the icy atmosphere. "Welcome back to planet Earth, Space Cadet."

It didn't work. He just looked at me once again, staring straight into my soul with those cold eyes. His expression was so intense, so completely focused, that I felt myself tense up, resisting the urge to run away and hide under my blanket like a sissy boy. Thankfully, it wasn't a very strong urge, so it didn't take much persistence until it disappeared completely, and I could look him fully in the face, surprisingly confident in myself. Weird.

We reached the boys' room, where all the beds were, and I showed him where he would be sleeping, right next to me. I almost laughed when the first thing he did was pick up the soft, fluffy teddy bear and bring it to his eye level to glare at it in his usual way. He regarded it with interest, petting its head gently and fixing its haphazardly tied bow so that it sat perfectly around the furry creature's neck. Copying him, I pet its head, unable to help the giggle that came out of my mouth at how good it felt to touch something so comforting again.

"What's its name?" I asked, feeling strangely warm inside.

He considered it, looking down at me and back at the bear slowly. "D'nt know…"

With another bubbly giggle, I looked at the bear and said, "You should name her Honey! She really looks like a Honey to me!"

"H'ney…" he mumbled, like he was thinking about it, though absolutely no emotion crossed his face.

Changing the subject due to the frighteningly un-Catholic thoughts going through my head, I pointed out what else they had given him. "Yeah, I think Honey is a beautiful name for a bear. And look! They got you a blanket too, with your name knitted in it and everything. When I came, they just gave me the generic one they give everyone else in the orphanage, but I guess… well, I guess you're just special…" I trailed off, looking up to find that Berwald had dropped the stuffed animal and was kneeling by his bed, blanket wrapped in his hands, head bent downward like he was praying.

In fact, that's what I would have thought he was doing, if it hadn't glanced up at me, showing me the most pained and open expression I'd seen on his face yet. It felt so personnel, I almost looked away, but he had looked at ME for a reason. He needed MY help right now and deserting him would be a major sin against the Lord, as well as horrible manners. Mommy had always liked us to have good manners, if nothing else. Gingerly, I rested my hand on his, feeling the coarse skin under my palm, I knelt down until I was eye level with him and whispered something that even I didn't understand the reason behind.

"I'm here for you now…" I felt my face flush pink, but I knew what I had said was the honest truth.

I WAS here for him now, and I wasn't about to let the only person who had ever perplexed me the way this guy did go, just like that. Now that he had come into my life, I needed to know more about him, more about his world, his experiences, his past. More about anything he wanted to tell me. The surprise from our hand contact seemed to loosen him up and a free, wild expression of sentimental feeling darted across his face as he looked at me, a careless grin stretching across his face. It lasted only a few seconds before he fell back into his normal scowl, but I had seen it. He knew I had.

"My b'by bl'nket …" His deep voice sent my heart flying, making it even more difficult to decipher his exact words.

Swallowing, I stuttered, "H-huh?"

His sapphire eyes pleaded me to understand his foreign, clipped words as he repeated, "It's my b'by bl'nket."

That time it registered and I understood suddenly why he had acted the way he had when I'd pointed out the strange blanket, saying that he must be special. Of course he was special. His parents had loved him enough to knit him a blanket by hand,(and trust me, I could tell when something was made by hand) carefully putting how much they cared for him in each stitch they made, even taking the time to put his name in dark blue letters down in the corner. It was obvious to me that Berwald hadn't gone through the same thing I had… no, nothing the same. Something far worse. The way he clutched that blanket was the way you might cling to a loved one after they almost died.

"B-Berwald?" I asked, wondering if this was the first time I was saying his name. It rolled off my tongue in a way that made me smile inwardly, despite the horrible question I was about to ask. "Can I ask you something? It's okay if you don't want to tell me… I'll understand. But… how did you end up here, an orphanage so far from your own home?"

I almost cried out when he turned his glacial blue eyes away from me, looking towards the floor, and they glazed over lightly. Shocked, I ran over to his side and tried to get him to look at me, but his head wouldn't budge. Through my terror, I was about to ask him if he was okay, but he finally answered, his voice low in pitch, sadness closing his throat.

"D-d-" he tried, but a quiet moan of pain cut of the rest of his words, and he collapsed against the bed, shaking his head and whimpering so softly, I wasn't even sure if that was really what I was hearing.

My chocolate brown eyes widened at what I had just done to him, asking that stupid, stupid question. It was obvious he wasn't ready to talk about it, and I had tried to push it out of him, like a total jerk. Remorseful, I bent down next to him again and threw my arms around the disconsolate boy, pulling him into one of the most awkward hugs I had ever given. "I'm so sorry… forgive me please?"

I could have sworn I heard him say, "H'rd n't to wh'n you're h'gging m'fr'm the b'ck."

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	4. Scars

I was about to ask him to repeat himself, just to be sure he HAD said what I thought he had, but of course WHY would he have said…? Anyway, I opened my mouth just as Sister Hannah came in, looking cheerfully bright, though the day was cold and snowy, kind of bleak and dismal for a Christmas morning of any sort. She clapped her hands together to get the attention of all the boys in the room, who instantly looked up at her unwrinkled and pleasant face.

"Good morning, boys! I know you all want to keep on playing with your new toys and such, but it's almost time for breakfast, darlings, and we need you all to shower before you come downstairs!" They all answered their own personnel feelings on the matter, groaning and whining, mostly. Ignoring the uproar, the nun's wide blue eyes focused on me. "Tino, can you help get some of our younger ones ready? You as well, Berwald, if you would? Oh, and also you two… one little hug can go a very long way. Just be careful that you don't end up doing anything that would… offend the Lord, shall we say?"

With a flood of blush, I realized I was still hugging Berwald in a… kind of in an obscene way, and I pulled away from his warmth, embarrassment heating my body now. "B-but… d-d-d… I mean, w-we…" I sputtered pathetically, unable to look her in the face now. "Y-yes, ma'am."

With one more friendly but stern glance at me and the now standing Swede, she spun and ushered some of the younger children towards the bathroom, chiding them when they complained about getting clean. I looked up to meet the icy eyes of my hugging companion and saw that he was blushing lightly too, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. Trying to make the situation less awkward, I grabbed my outfit for the day and gestured for Berwald to do the same, which he did, and then he followed me to the massive bathroom that every single person of one gender had to share. There weren't quite enough stalls and urinals for the amount of people who used this restroom, so we often either had to hold it, pee our pants, or beg mercy from the girls.

I explained that to Berwald as we walked past the "urination station" and headed for the shower corner of the room. He grimaced noticeably and I couldn't help the small laugh that escaped from my tightly closed lips as we rounded the corner and finally arrived at the communal showering center-thingy. Suddenly, the laugh was pulled from me as I became aware of something for the first time since I'd arrived at this place. It was a COMMUNAL shower. As in, you all get naked together and stuff… My heart started throbbing again and I couldn't help the twitch of my gaze upwards, searching for some kind of reaction from the larger teenager beside me.

I definitely got one. His face was bright red with blush as he came to the conclusion I had taken years to get to within seconds, and he was trying to avoid my face, but failing miserably. He kept glancing over, making my heart palpitations increase and making me light-headed. Why had it taken Berwald's arrival here to make me realize I was shy about getting naked in front of other boys? Before, I would just get in, get the shower done, and be out and ready to help the nuns bathe the babies. But… but now, I doubted my ability to move even another step toward the steamy water. Anxiously, I clutched my towel and clothes tighter in my grasp and looked down at my feet.

"Th-this," I said, my voice shaking, mortifying me, "Is… the place where we all shower, obviously. T-together, y'know, because it's just like we're all s-siblings. Like we're brothers."

An impatient grumble came from behind us, one of the older boys, who was about to turn fifteen. "Hey, either shower or don't, but if you aren't, then get out of the way. I, for one, would like to get myself clean before the hot water runs out!" Then he shoved past us, giving me a dirty look before stripping right in front of us with a cocky smile on his face the whole time.

"I-I guess we should go in then…" I murmured, trying not to die of absolute embarrassment as I took a hesitant step forward and he followed, both of us ignoring the rude boy and going completely to the other side of the vicinity.

Summoning up all the courage I had in my body, I turned away from Berwald and, hands still trembling, took off my shirt and then my pants, and, finally, my undies. Praying that he had decided to copy me and go about his own business, I took the shampoo off of a shelf and washed my hair, resisting the urge to sing in the shower, like I always did, back when I was still alone. Just as I picked up the soap and started to hum out of sheer habit, it flew out of my hands, skidding across the soaking tile floor and coming to rest right at the ankle of a certain naked Swedish guy… right next to me. I watched it as it went, unable to do anything else but stare in sheer horror, the outcome of its landing predictable.

The worst part wasn't even that the soap had flown out of my fingers, but that when it had hit Berwald's ankle, he hadn't felt it. So I was stuck staring at his legs and wishing that I could be brave enough to just ask for it back. I knew I wouldn't be able to, even if I tried, and probably make an awkward situation even more awkward. With a sigh, my eyes decided to lift of their own accord (without much protest from me…), and before I knew it, I had totally just checked Berwald out. But for some reason, I didn't feel bad about doing it. He actually had a really nice body when you got down to it, with all his lean, hard muscle pulling over that perfect bone structure while he slowly rubbed conditioner into his hair, paying no attention to me.

His skin looked really soft and smooth, stretching over his body perfectly everywhere except… except for his back, which was smothered in shining white scars, scattered all over and on top of each other, creating a thick, hard patch of skin. I had a strong urge to reach over and touch it, just to run my hand down the coarse surface, just so I could know what it felt like… my hand even twitched where it lay, hanging limp down my side, my fingers tapping my thigh in a rhythmic pattern as I watched the way his shoulder blades and back muscles contracted with his movements. I was so mesmerized by the movements that I didn't register it when he finally noticed me gawking at him, didn't see the way his eyes widened in shock and hidden pleasure.

It was only when he bent down to retrieve the soap that I had dropped that I began to wake up from my stupor, remembering immediately who I was, where I was, what I was doing, and where I was doing that what and who with. My mouth dropping open at my own stupidity, I felt my face go up in flames as Berwald got right in front of me, bent down, the water trickling from his hair down through is eyelashes and across his face, and placed the bar of soap in the exact same hand that had been itching to feel the scars that went down his back five seconds before.

"I th'nk y'u dropp'd y'ur so'p."

"Y-yeah…" I said, ashamed of myself, "I think so too."


	5. At Fault

After the extremely awkward bathroom incident,(at least it was to me. Berwald didn't seem to mind so much) we all went downstairs to eat breakfast, which was scrambled eggs and bacon. When my plate was piled with as much food as I felt like I could eat, I headed to my normal spot at the end of the table, where I usually sat alone to think and such without any interruption from little kids wanting me to play horsey or the older kids harassing me like they sometimes did. Usually. But obviously, the arrival of Berwald at the orphanage had changed everything, so today, I spent my first meal here with someone else, instead of being a hermit and a loner. When he first sat down next to me, I had a small urge to ask him to go away, or move over myself, but it didn't last more than two seconds, because just looking at him made my whole outlook on how today would go better.

Or at least it did until I stared at him too long and the image of his naked body in the shower overrode my mind.

I decided to start conversation before it got any worse. If it even could. "U-uh, so, Berwald, how do you like it here so far?" I asked him politely, noting with shock that his plate, which had been piled to, like, Jupiter, was already empty.

His eyes, hard by nature, softened as he looked down at me, like my face made them melt or something. "I l'ke it."

"Really?" I was surprised to hear that, seeing how he just had some unnamed tragic thing happen to make him an orphan and he had even cried earlier today. Then again so had I, and I was fine now. "What do you like about it? I mean, you've only been here for a few hours, plus it took me a while to get used to it and I've been here since I was two."

His expression of focus never changed, even though it was obvious he was thinking about what he liked about this place. Suddenly, he sat up straighter in his seat, made sure he caught my gaze, and said one simple word. One simple, uninspiring word that send a flush to my face and got my heart going, pounding rapidly with the intense feeling going through me.

"Y'u," he told me.

That was when I really started wondering if I was dreaming. I mean, I had prayed for an angel just one month ago. I had asked for a friend. Could God have really answered my prayer or was this just a coincidence? And not to mention, this was the last person on the world that I would expect to have sent to me at all, and the only reason he was here was because… something awful had happened. Because I had prayed for a guardian angel, people were dead now. That was all there was to it. But God had actually listened to me and sent me Berwald. So maybe He had known they were going to die? Seriously, could all the tragedy in his life be because I so selfishly asked for a friend?

"This is all my fault…" I breathed, my eyes tearing up.

The look of intensity dropped from his face in an instant, an expression of concern taking its place. I knew that though he remained silent, this was his way of asking me what was wrong. It was written all over his facial expressions.

"I-it's all my f-fault you're h-h-here!" I choked, lip quivering.

As if I were a small, nervous guinea pig or something, he leaned forward and reached one large hand across the table, ever so slowly, and placed it directly on my head. "H'w?" he demanded.

It was hard to concentrate on a legible response that made sense in the conversation while his fingers dug into my hair, rubbing my head and sending shivers (admittedly of pleasure) up my spine. I ended up thinking so painfully hard on what to say that the tears stopped coming. I just sputtered, "Uh, b-because… I asked for you." My eyes flew wide open in shock and I put a hand over my mouth, feeling my face begin to burn. "Th-that's not what I meant! I mean, I like, asked for a friend and stuff because I was kind of lonely and I had no one else to talk to so I asked God for an angel and then you showed up and….. and now I'm embarrassed…because I'm stupid…"

The whole time he just let me spit out my feelings, watching me curiously as I was stuck on babble mode, mentally chiding myself for everything I let slip, but unable to shut up. With darkening eyes, he seemed to understand how I figured this as my fault, even though I really hadn't even gotten that far. It was like he was reading my mind or something. His grip in my hair tightened, pulling on it a little bit, but it didn't really hurt. He shook his head once, gently taking his arm back to his side.

"N'b'dy d'ed. M'par'nts are st'll al've," he told me, shocking me into oblivion.

"Wh-wh-what? Then why are you here?" I gasped, unable to comprehend.

He looked away, posture sinking in defeat and pain. "Th'y…"

"ATTENTION ORPHANS!" shrieked one of the nuns, and my personnel favorite, Sister Monet through her megaphone. "WE HAVE SOME ANNOUNCEMENTS TO MAKE AND WE'D LIKE YA'LL TO SHUT YOUR PIEHOLES FIRST!"

The room fell silent. That was always everyone's first reaction to Sister Monet. It made me giggle when Berwald turned to see who had interrupted him, calmly turned back to me, and then did double-take in shock. Apparently he'd never met a nun who wore lime green before. Well, there was a first time for everything! She handed her precious megaphone over to one of the more soft spoken nuns, who began to read us said announcements.

"Okay, children, we'll start off with the more exciting announcements. First on the list is something those of you who have been here for over a year have already heard before. In less than a week, it will be a new year and here at the orphanage, we like to have a party every New Year's Eve. Now, most of the time it's just a night with junk food and a time to hang out with all your friends, but this time, we decided to make it something a bit different. After a long discussion, we've decided that it would be productive for us all if we taught you how to formally ballroom dance! This year, you will all choose a dance partner and we'll teach you to dance together, so that by the time the new year rolls around, you'll all be ready to attend the ball!

"Of course, something like this comes with certain restrictions. I won't name them all, but the most important one is that you, young men, are to choose a lady you would like to dance with by the end of today. Alright, now that that is settled, let's move on to announcement two…"

But by the time she got to announcement two, I was already gone. Ballroom dancing? That was an odd one, but I couldn't stop myself from being excited. I'd never had the chance to ever get to learn how to do any form of dance or figure out if I was musically inclined at all, so it was almost like a dream of mine. I was sure it would be more fun than last year's, when I had spent the whole party laying in my bed and moping because nobody wanted to hang out with me. I could tell I wasn't the only one excited, because kids were chatting animatedly everywhere, ignoring the poor Sister reading to us. By the time she finished, the boys were absolutely ramped, climbing over each other to get to the girl they wanted first, before any other guy had the chance.

I felt my heart sink a little, remembering that the BOY was supposed to ask a GIRL, not the other way around. Nervously, I started picking out the older ones that I thought were kind of cute, even though I knew they would turn me down. If I didn't get on it, they would all be taken, or I'd be stuck with a two-year-old, so I stood up, took a deep breath and started walking over to a girl, glancing behind me to see if Berwald was following me. He was, and by just a step too, glancing down at me with the most peculiar expression on his face.

"Well, we better get on it, huh?" I asked him, spotting the one I had picked out earlier and starting to walk away.

I felt his hand close around my wrist and tug me backward before I comprehended what he was doing. I spun around and was about to complain, but was silenced by the way he stared. Berwald looked a little shy and nervous, but cleared his throat and spoke more clearly in his clipped accent than he had yet.

"Act'lly, I w's w'ndering… w'uld y'u be m'p'rtner?"

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	6. Another Boy

At first, I could only stare at him. My brain refused to comprehend what he had just asked. I could see his blatant discomfort at my silence, but it seemed that I could do absolutely nothing to stop myself. Words refused to form, so I did the worse thing I possibly could. I just kind of… gawked at him. Like, open-mouthed and everything. That is, until a girl whose name I could never remember came up and broke the awkward, uncomfortably tense silence that had begun to loom between us.

"Um…" she said in a quiet, tentative voice. "Berwald, I know this dance is supposed to be a boy-ask-girl kind of thing, but… I was just wondering… if maybe you would ask me? I know it's probably really uncomfortable for you to be brought to a new place and not know anyone, so if you want…" she trailed off. When he didn't respond, she added, "Unless of course you've already asked someone…?" Cautiously but surely, her eyes turned to look questioningly at me, and then moved back to Berwald.

He nodded, not seeming to be taking her feelings into consideration. Her face fell noticeably and she had to ask, "Oh, so who is it?"

There was definitely an undertone of some sort in her words, though it was a little difficult to depict. Part of her sounded jealous, but that emotion didn't seem to fit the look on her face as she looked at me one more time. Actually, the look on her face was more one of soul-burning curiosity, like she almost KNEW it was me that he had asked. Maybe it was the look on my face that tipped her off.

Wordlessly, he pointed at me, without any hesitation in his movements or uncertainty on his face. Her bright green eyes widened in shock that seemed genuine. Okay, so maybe I had just been being paranoid.

"Is that ALLOWED?" she said, sounding bewildered. She turned to me. "Do you WANT to dance with another boy?"

At first, I hesitated, unsure about how to answer that, seeing how I hadn't even answered the guy who had asked me in the first place. But then I really thought about it, long and hard, looking deep inside myself. Did I want to dance with another boy? No, I didn't. Yet, the thing was, to me Berwald wasn't just "another boy." No, he had something they didn't. I wouldn't dance with another boy. But did I want to dance with Berwald? Yes, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that if I were to dance at all, it would be with him. "No," I answered her. "I don't want to dance with another boy. But I DO want to dance with HIM."

She looked at the two of us skeptically. "But he IS another boy. Tino, that makes no sense."

I looked away, unable to take the intensity of the blue and green orbs staring daggers at me. "It makes sense to me. You don't have to get it. Just go ask somebody else, because we're both taken." With that, I took Berwald's hand in my own and stalked away, only pausing when I heard her shout after me, "I am SO telling on you!"

I groaned, dropping his hand hurriedly and continuing to walk to our room, where I had been headed in the first place. Usually after breakfast, they made us go outside for some exercise, so Berwald and I would have time to be alone for a bit. They never made anyone who didn't want to go outside go.

"I can't believe she's going to tell! We could get in a lot of trouble, y'know. Maybe we should just skip the stupid ball altogether…" I complained, flopping down on my squishy mattress of a bed. "I mean, I don't even know how to dance! And I'm sure I'd suck at it…"

"Y'u seem'd excit'd earl'er," he said, assessing my mood swing.

"That was before a girl asked you to go and then said she was going to tell the nuns on us… I don't know if you realize, but Catholics aren't much for… gay stuff."

He grunted, acknowledging the fact that he had. I began to wonder what he was REALLY thinking up in that head, if he ever said what he was truthfully thinking without blocks. I mean, obviously he thought a lot, because he was an extremely intelligent guy. You could see his speculation of the world reflecting in his eyes almost constantly, changing with his moods while his facial expression remained almost always the same. But it seemed he always kept his true thoughts in reserve, too worried about offending someone to say how he felt.

A silence grew between us after that, both of us deep in our own minds. I was trying to imagine what ballroom dancing could possibly be like, whether I would be able to do it or not, and even if Berwald knew how to dance. He had come to the orphanage as a teenager, so he had more experience with outside things… he probably wasn't as sheltered from the horrors and mind-numbing things that happened out in the real world. But in my honest opinion, he looked like the gentle tall guy who was very quiet and sweet, but had absolutely no coordination whatsoever. I decided to ask, breaking the thoughtful atmosphere.

"Berwald?"

He looked over at me.

"I was just wondering… do you know how to dance at all?"

There was a pause and he stared into space, as if he were remembering something, but then turned back to me, all business as usual. "No. B't I le'rn fast."

I looked at him miserably.

Boy, were we in for it…

* * *

I was surprised how fast the week could go, when you were actually having a good time with someone instead of moping around. I was also surprised to find, when we went down for our first lesson, that the girl from earlier hadn't actually told the nuns on us. Of course, in a room full of kids, someone was bound to point it out. Believe me, that they did. When we came down together, two boys instead of a girl and a boy, it was like we had gone streaking through the room naked. People were seriously that shocked. A little boy even took the liberty of announcing it to the whole orphanage.

"Those guys are holding hands! Haha, they're gay!"

That had been the first day. Weirdly, the nuns hadn't made a move to stop us, just watched us carefully with their nun-like gazes. Except for Sister Monet, who waited until the other sisters weren't looking to give us a thumbs up and drop us a charismatic wink. Without further ado, they had started the lesson, teaching the boys first (which I let Berwald have, seeing how he was taller) and then the girls, which had made me embarrassed to be alive. I had been the only boy.

As time passed, I started to get over my shyness of being the only boy learning the girl part, not to mention it made me a heck of a lot of friends. Apparently, women liked it when two men had the guts to be together. Who knew? Well, I mean, not that we were TOGETHER, like a couple… even though it did seem that way by the end of the week. The way he held me when we danced was definitely how I had always imagined a slow dance done by two people who were really in love to be… Not that WE were in love or anything, that's just what it was like… Either way, Berwald hadn't been lying when he had said he learned fast. He had every step down and rarely, if ever, messed up. And, contrary to my prior belief, though he was tall, his dancing was smooth and graceful, like one swift, continuous movement.

I, however, was not so fortunate. I hadn't fully realized how uncoordinated I was until I tried to dance my steps for the first time with Berwald. While he was leading with his quick, liquid moves, I was stumbling along awkwardly, trying to keep up and struggling to remember the movements. The week had been long, for sure, but it had been really fun and I had actually started to improve by the last day. I no longer stepped on his feet or tripped over my own, and I had stopped knocking both of us down, which was a definite plus. The only trouble was, the next day was THE day.

New Year's Eve.

It made me nauseous to think about it, especially when I remembered how awfully I still danced compared to my partner. I was going to bring him down, limit his abilities and make him look bad. As I brushed my teeth, getting ready to go to sleep, I gazed down the hall to where I had seen Berwald go to brush his teeth, considering him. We had really gotten to know each other being partners, and I had really started to like him. A lot. But I wasn't going to ruin something he was good at by sucking it up tomorrow, even if I did like being around him.

I spit one last time, washed off my toothbrush, and headed over to Berwald, intending to tell him how I felt. I reached him and, suddenly, the words spilled out uncontrollably. "B-Berwald, I just wanted to let you know, I can see that I suck at dancing and stuff, so I was wondering if maybe you want to find a partner who doesn't fail instead so you can actually have a good time tomorrow night. Don't worry about me, because I just want you to be happy, so if that involves me not going to the party I'm all for it…"

With a small smile on his face, the Swede turned from where he'd been staring in the mirror and took my face, which I'd turned downward awkwardly, in his hands and turned it up so our eyes met. "I don't w'nt to d'nce w'th an'ther b'y… B't I do w'nt to d'nce with y'u." And, without another word, he brought my face up to his lips and kissed me.

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	7. Like Romeo with Juliet

Of course I didn't sleep that night. How could I? I mean I had just gotten my first kiss not more than an hour ago, from a boy no less, and tomorrow was obviously going to be awful. It was like my brain wouldn't shut up, plus I couldn't seem to stop turning over and trying to see Berwald in the darkness, even squinting in my futile attempts. Apparently he hadn't been quite as effected by what had just passed in the bathroom as I was… this was more than backed up by the fact that he was snoring like a hobo with a sinus infection at the moment. He was turned away so I couldn't see his face. I had started to notice that he always slept with his back to me, every single night, and once he found a set place, he didn't move again until morning.

Trying not to sigh with disappointment, I fidgeted under my blanket, trying to ignore the goosebumps gathering on my arms from the cold. I thought sullenly of the thick, warm blanket that was covering the man next to me, deciding that as soon as I could, I was going to crotchet myself one of those. The winter's here were always freezing, so I had no idea why I hadn't thought of doing that sooner. Maybe it was because I had no material to work with… which was what I had asked for for Christmas… I tried not to let my thoughts go down that avenue, and decided instead to go pee, because my bladder was about to implode.

Quiet as I could, I snuck out of the room, heading for the bathroom and almost making it before I heard hushed whispers and decided, feeling only slightly guilty, to check it out. I snuck around a corner to hide, focusing on the people, who could only be nuns, and trying to depict their words.

"Did you hear what happened to the poor dear? It's just awful…" one muttered, named Sister Grace.

"No, I didn't," the other nun, Sister Michelle, stated. "What happened?"

The other nun was quiet for a moment, as if looking around to make sure nobody else was there, and then whispered almost silently under her breath, "Well, I haven't heard from him seeing how he doesn't talk much, but some of the other sisters were saying that his parents abused him his whole life, physically and mentally, maybe even sexually. They said that the only reason he's not still there suffering right now is because the parents tried to kill him, and really DID kill his grandparents. Apparently, just recently, the grandparents had figured out what they were doing to him and took him to live with them, intending on saving his life. Instead, they just ended up losing their own lives… it's simply a horrible story… an awful one."

"Hey, what are you two gossiping about like teenage girls?" I heard Sister Monet ask, seemingly just coming in on the whole chat. "You do realize your about sixty-five years too old to be acting like you're in high school, right? C'mon, it's time for us to go to sleep. Tomorrow's the big ballaroo!"

I heard her leave, the other two now silenced and following after her.

The second they were gone, I sprinted back to the bedroom, not sure what I was intending to do. I knew they had been talking about Berwald… they just HAD to be. It fit… EVERYTHING fit. If he was abused, of course he would have scars streaking down his back. Of course he would be quiet and not say much. Of course he would cry over seeing that blanket lying on his bed, folded neatly. I had been wrong about that, I realized. In the beginning, I had assumed that it was his PARENTS who had made him that beautiful blanket. But I should have KNOWN that it was his grandparents, with the way it was stitched together… it was a type of stitch that had been popular before his parents' time could have been. It was made by them with love, true love… a love that his parents had taken away from him.

I didn't feel guilty about praying for him anymore. No, it had sounded like he'd been going through this his whole life and that I had actually… saved him. Excited by my new revelation, I went careening through the door of the room, barely caring when it slammed closed again with a loud bang, and sped over to where Berwald was still sleeping, snoring methodically. Finally I was able to see his sleeping face, the one he had tried so hard to keep from me. I smiled triumphantly at his mussed hair, his calm, child-like face, and the lack of his normal scowl. At first, I had been running in here to wake him up and question him, talk to him so that my mind would be eased. But now that I was finally here and looking at him in his most vulnerable state, I decided any stupid questions I had could easily wait until tomorrow…

Exhausted, I fell onto my bed sideways, drifting off…

And woke up to a megaphone in my face.

"C'MON, PRINCESS, IT'S TIME TO OPEN THOSE PRETTY EYES OF YOURS! TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO SPIFF YOU UP FOR PRINCE CHARMING!"

Almost unwillingly, I opened my eyes, not quite understanding what Sister Monet meant by that. "Wha…?" I asked groggily, sitting up and rubbing the sleep off my face.

"I SAID HOP TO IT, SUNSHINE! ALL THE OTHER GIRLS ARE ALREADY GETTING READY! LET'S GO, LET'S GO!" she yelled, the megaphone amplifying her words into my displeasured ears.

With a grimace, I muttered, "But… I'm not a girl." Surprised, I looked up to see that everyone else in the room was gone. So even the boys were gone? "Where is everyone?"

Laughing, she took the stupid megaphone and, to my relief, turned it off. "Well, everyone woke up already, when the FIRST nun came in and told them to. Right now, everybody is getting ready for the ball tonight. We're supplying the clothes, so we have to measure you all and help the girls put on their makeup and such, which makes the process longer than it should have to be. This morning, when you didn't come down, I was assigned to come and get you. So… get the sand outta your pants and let's go!" With that, she grabbed my hand and yanked me up.

"But… wait, so you're helping the girls get ready? That doesn't mean…." I felt the blood drain out of my face as I realized in horror, "You're going to make me wear a DRESS!"

She laughed again, her wizened face crinkling up in joy. "That's right! You'll look real pretty in the one I picked out, too! It's all white and ruffly, with lace and sparkles… plus it came with this really cute white beret-like hat!" For a moment she dug around in her pockets (who knew nuns had pockets?) and then she produced said hat, placing it on my head carefully. "Better than I even hoped! Alright, now that that's over…"

I was dragged viscously against my will down the hall and into the girls' bathroom, where mayhem was ensuing. Everywhere was some girl doing their hair or one trying on a dress or another putting on makeup… I saw more cleavage than I ever thought I would, just within the first five seconds. None of them even seemed to notice or care about me being in their domain, as if I belonged there or something. In fact, I was even greeted by some of the ones I was more familiar with, averting my eyes and blushing when they were just in bras and panties. I shot an uncomfortable glance up at Sister Monet, begging her silently to get me out, but she ignored me and just kept smiling, pushing me into a far corner where a gorgeous snow-white dress with long, loose sleeves sparkled, even in the dull bathroom light.

"Okay," she announced when we were where she wanted us. "Now put it on."

Tentatively, I glanced from her serious face to the pretty dress. "I-I… I CAN'T." Shyly, I started fidgeting with the ends of my clothes, hair, and pretty much anything that kept my eyes from her face.

"Tino, if you do not put that dress on in two seconds, I'll put you in it myself. I asked God, don't worry. He says it's okay."

With the wicked smile that crossed her face after she said that, I doubted He really thought that putting a boy in a dress was "okay" but I also didn't want to be stripped by an old woman, so I sighed and took the dress off its hanger, then headed to a stall so that all the girls wouldn't see my man-parts. Holding my breath, I took off my clothes as fast as I could and, in contrast, put the womanly apparel on as slowly as possible, feeling like crying when it was all the way on. It squeezed my body in weird places, since I lacked the feminine body structure, making my chest feel a little tight, but other than that, it wasn't too uncomfortable. Well, except for my legs being bare and uncovered. They weren't really hairy or anything, but it was still awkward.

Summoning up all my pride, I flopped my hat back on, and opened the door as quietly as possible, heading out into a sea of girls, who were suddenly a lot more interested in my existence now that I was wearing a dress. In almost perfect unison, when I stepped out, blushing like crazy, they squealed like banshees, now a lot more interested in me than in their personal grooming, all talking at once. It took a lot of muscle, but I eventually pushed through the hyper females and got back to Sister Monet, panting and gasping. With a smirk, she pushed me lightly so that I was staring at my own reflection in the mirror.

Or at least that was what I THOUGHT it was. It was almost too shocking for me to register that that pretty face staring back at me was my own, that it wasn't just some girl who looked somewhat like me, with the same wide, round milk chocolate eyes and short, yellow hair. It belonged with the dress like Romeo belonged with Juliet. They just WENT together hand in hand, bringing out the best features of each other. Uncertainly, I reached out a shaking arm to the reflective glass in front of me, noting that the opposite me's arm moved as well. Out of nowhere, I pun around, causing the dress to swish airily across my legs as I made sure the evil nun who had put me through this humility was watching.

"So," she asked me, "Do you like it?"

I knew I couldn't lie to myself or anyone else, for that matter. I was horrible at lying. Straightening my back and avoiding the anxious faces of the girls awaiting my answer, I blushed bright red, and told her, "It's… beautiful…"

At that, the girls squealed again and began to dance around in excitement, laughing and cheering for me.

Oh man was Berwald in for a surprise…

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	8. Undeniably Perfect

But, oh no, my torture wasn't over yet. It wasn't enough to take away my dignity as a man by putting me in a dress and making me admit I thought I was pretty. The girls decided my ensemble was incomplete without attacking my face with makeup. Luckily, one girl that I didn't know was surprisingly good at applying it and when she finished, it was almost like it wasn't there at all. Heaving a reluctant sigh, I thanked her and stared dismally into the mirror in front of me. I'd never been a crossdresser before this day… now I would carry this with me for the rest of eternity. Or my life. Either way, it'd be here for awhile.

Finished with me, the girls went back to primping themselves, hurrying around and trying not to smack into each other. I sank down into a chair next to Sister Monet, glaring at her hatefully whenever I thought she wasn't looking. This whole thing was that she-devil nun's fault and yet she seemed no sorrier than if I had actually agreed to it. Seeing that my glares weren't effective in any way, I just turned, holding my empty stomach as it grumbled in distress. I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, and by now it was probably mid-afternoon, since they'd let me sleep so late.

"What time is it?" I grumbled into my palm.

Sister Monet took out her cellphone (which nuns were NOT supposed to have…) and checked the time. "It's almost five. Party starts at five-fifteen. You ready, hon?" she asked caringly, like she was my grandmother.

I rolled my eyes, unable to help myself. "Yeah right. Totally ready," I said sarcastically. My lack of sustenance was putting me in a bad mood. "I didn't even get to eat anything…"

"That's right, sleepyhead, you were snoozing all through breakfast AND lunch. You know, Berwald missed you. He looked oh so very lonely sitting at the end of the table by himself… he kept glancing at the hallway, hoping that you were coming," she told me, an evil smile on her face.

My face went red, as usual, and I tried to ignore her teasing. This made her laugh boisterously, causing some of the hurrying girls to pause and look at her before going back to their business. A wrinkly but comforting hand came down on the top of my head, rubbing my hair gently.

In an annoyingly wise tone, she told me, "Well, at least you get to spend dinner with him, right? He'll be so happy to see you! Ah, I'm so glad my little Tino has grown up and found someone! It really was depressing, seeing you all alone all the time, dear. Every time you finally made a friend and they were adopted off, my old heart nearly broke for you, especially when you watched them leave and cried the whole next day…"

"Sister Monet… that was only when my SISTER was adopted. I never made any friends…"

Her eyes widened and then went back to the normal, smiling position they were permanently fixated in. "Oh, right! I was thinking of another kid, from many years ago! Pardon me for being old and senile. Hmm, I wonder how your sister is now… good grief, how many years has it been since she was adopted out?"

Feeling the severe weight of this topic pressing down on my shoulders, I mumbled, "Five."

Taking in my depression, the eccentric nun checked her phone again, muttered something about the time, and brought me out of the bathroom, calling back to the other girls that there was about four minutes left until they needed to get their butts out into the dining hall. She let go of my hand as we hurried down the hall, taking something else out of her pockets and tossing them at me. I barely caught them, but noticed that they were plain white ballet flats. Still trying to keep up with her long strides, I shoved my feet into the delicate shoes, tripping and hopping along. At nearly a run for me, we entered the makeshift ballroom, which had been decorated beautifully, full of rich hues of red, white, and gold. I had to pause for a moment, just to take in the sheer… valiance of it all. I almost felt like I was a crossdressing prince going to my birthday ball and trying to find the one in such a vast land that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

I was so distracted, I hardly heard it when the other nuns complained to Monet about putting me in a dress, especially one that made me look like I was the bride on a wedding day. She countered their attacks with the same thing she had told me. That God had said it was okay. The protests were abundant, but she silenced them all with her megaphone and some very… offensive words that I would never dream of repeating. Either way, I was still in a dress, no matter what. Feeling awkward for being the only orphan in the room at the moment, I found myself a nice little corner seat and sat down, head in my hands. I tried not to ogle the food that they put out on the table, despite my hunger, especially when the rest of the girls came in, giggling and excited. It wasn't a very lady-like thing to do.

It was when the GUYS came in that things actually started to get interesting. They all looked extremely handsome, even the ones that I didn't really like, and most of them had confident grins on their faces as they found their partners and went off, two by two, going off to do whatever before the actual dance began. I found myself praying that they would all stand in front of me, act like I was invisible and cover me up. I didn't want to see Berwald's face as he spotted me in a dress. It was an embarrassing mental image and something I didn't really want to see happen. But as luck would have it, they all decided to mill around, not grouping anywhere in particular, so that I was completely exposed to my nightmare coming true.

Except that I ended up seeing him before he saw me. Trying to hide my face as much as possible, I had a perfect view of where he stood, looking a little vexed. His hands were in his pockets and he was leaning against the wall, staring at the ground. He wasn't even LOOKING for me. But, then again, I hadn't been looking for him either. I felt my heart speed up when he turned his head up and caught my line of vision, looking… so completely, indescribably… good. His eyes widened noticeably, like he couldn't believe what he was seeing, which made sense. I couldn't believe it either. Quickly, I averted my gaze from his, hoping he hadn't recognized me, but that was ridiculous. By now, he knew my face, even with it covered in makeup.

As expected, he strode over quickly, coming to sit in the seat across from me. He said nothing, just scanned my reddening face and girly appearance with keen eyes. I expected him to remain quiet, which he did, but a small grin formed at his lips, which had been something I hadn't anticipated. Was he… laughing at me? Even more embarrassed now, I bit my lip and looked away from him, playing with my sleeve edge.

"Just so you know… I didn't choose this," I told him, hearing my own voice quaver.

The smile died at his lips as he easily recognized that he'd hurt my feelings. "Tino… y'u look be'utiful," he said sincerely, not a bit of doubt in the way he spoke to me.

I looked up, just to see if the authenticity was in his eyes as well, and found not only that, but that he was holding his hand out for me to take. I had been so distracted by my misery that I hadn't even heard the music start to play, hadn't seen that some of the orphans were already out there, laughing and having more fun than they had in a long time, if ever. Feeling my heart throb again, my arm moved of its own accord, taking Berwald's hand and letting me get pulled up from my hidey chair. I barely had time to register what I had done before he had me twirling around, my stupid dress flowing with the movements of our bodies. He was holding onto me tightly, like he hadn't seen me in ages, though it had only been one day.

"So, did you miss me?" I joked, making a point of his firm grasp.

He glanced down, his dark blue eyes full of warmth and love, easily expressing how much he truly did, without him saying a word. I felt weak for a moment, my head spinning, and I was shocked by a really strong urge to… well, kiss him. The first and only time he'd kissed me, it'd been so careful and sweet that it had shaken me up forever after it had happened, and we'd been unable to say much to each other, both in severe shock, for the rest of the night. But this time, I WAS expecting it, since I was the one with the feeling.

Against what I wanted, I decided that there would be time for that later. I mean, he seemed pleased enough just dancing with me for now, and I was actually having fun, even though I was in danger of destroying both of us, plus the couples closest to us, with every step I took. If I ever went to a public high school someday, I would have to skip prom. And any other dance that came along.

I was more than grateful when we had to stop dancing and take a dinner break, because my stomach had started ravaging itself from lack of food. I made sure we were the first in line, towing Berwald halfway across the room at the speed of light. Once we both had our plates, we went back to the table we had been sitting at earlier, and I started to shove everything in my mouth at once, not really caring whether I stained my clothes or something. Berwald ate just as fast as me, like he hadn't taken a bite today either, even though he'd been there for all the meals.

Pausing in my feeding frenzy, I wondered if he possibly could have not eaten all day because I wasn't there. He wouldn't do that, would he? I looked over at him, studying him while he gazed silently out the window at the starry, snow-covered night. Suddenly, I felt a little sick to my stomach and pushed the rest of my food over to him. Yes, I realized, yes he would. He would do something like that for me, even if it was completely unnecessary. With that epiphany, tears of… heck, I didn't even know what, started to well up in my eyes and I continued to look at him. When I thought about all he'd gone through in his life, all the horrible abuse that he'd suffered for seventeen years, and saw how sweet and beautiful of a person he was, it really made me wonder how someone could be so amazing after being put through utter hell. I knew I would never have the strength it took to go on. I would lose myself as soon as it began. But Berwald was like a veteran of war, scarred and beaten, but still a warrior, ready to push on and fight. He was absolutely, undeniably perfect.

I loved him more than anything.

I couldn't help the sobs that racked through my body now, and, duh, he noticed them this time. From the beginning, he had always been good at reading my moods, and already he seemed to have figured out what this one was about. Wordless, as usual, he reached a hand across the table and stroked it gently across my runny makeup-coated cheek. I reached up and put my hand over his, twining our fingers together. I loved him… I loved him… I…

"I love you!" I was too upset to even care that I'd spoken out loud.

For a moment, he seemed to take in my words, letting them fill him up and make sense in his mind before he finally said, "I love y'u too."

Again, just as before, he held his hand out to me and I took it, just wanting him to hold me again. I got more than I'd hoped for. The minute he had me up and in his arms, his lips were on mine. This time, I kissed him back just as intensely as he was kissing me, wanting to make him feel exactly how he always made me feel, just a little weak and totally satisfied. I wanted to make him happier… I wanted to take away his pain, I wanted to…

"AHEM! Tino Väinämöinen, your ride is here!"

I jumped a thousand miles in the air when Sister Monet spoke into my ear. An obvious blush of guilt shot across my face and I took a step away from Berwald, who looked at me in confusion. "Wh-wh-what r-r-ride? Am I g-going s-somewhere?" I stuttered, completely flustered from being caught in the act.

She smiled as usual, but this time it didn't reach her eyes, which made my heart sink. "Well, actually, it looks like you'll soon be saying adios to your amigos here in a little while, because, Tino, you've been adopted again."


	9. One More Night

"I…I don't…" I muttered, shaking my head. I didn't understand… I COULDN'T understand. "A-adopted?"

She nodded, her fake smile slipping away. "That's right. By a pretty young girl with a daughter about two or three years old, I'd say. She's waiting in my office right now to see you. She came in and knew exactly who she wanted to adopt without even looking at any of the orphans, so I presume she already knows who you are…"

There was a moment of complete silence, even though we were in a room full of happy people, who were dancing and talking and eating, completely oblivious to the horror movie the night had suddenly turned into. I kept on shaking my head, eyes on the ground. Not now… not after everything that had happened… not after I had finally told Berwald how I felt! The tears came back, vengeful and more intense than they had been before, falling endlessly onto the tile floor. Shaking, I twined my hand and Berwald's together, glancing up at him out of the corner of my eye. He was looking back at me, in the same fashion I was looking at him, with an almost identical expression of shock and pain, only without the crying.

Did someone who'd been through so much even have tears left to cry?

"D-do I have to go NOW?" I whimpered, holding his hand tighter.

Sister Monet looked at the two of us consideringly before turning away, an uncharacteristic frown on her face. She stared severely out the large window that the room held, her brown eyes keen and hard, her attempt at keeping her true emotions hidden inside failing miserably. "Yes," she answered. "But for now, it's just to meet her. She's coming to officially adopt you tomorrow. Which gives you enough time…" Her eyes glittered with a newfound excitement that had her uncanny smile back on her mouth. "It gives you just enough time to convince her she'd like TWO sons better than just ONE."

My eyes widened minutely as she winked at me, beckoning for me to come with her. With one more glance of hesitation at Berwald's icy expression, I walked after her, mouthing to him that I would be back as soon as I could. And praying that I could convince whoever this lady was out of wanting me. I would have to be a complete jerk or something, maybe do something totally stupid, like punch her in the face! No, I could never do that, and even if I tried, I doubted it would hurt much… I'd never had a strong arm… Maybe if I acted like I had a multiple personality disorder….

But all my crazy and weird ideas were knocked out of my head the second Sister Money opened the door to her office and I was met with two steel gray eyes staring directly at me. I felt my heart stop beating. Th-this…. The "pretty young girl" was staring at me in disbelief, nervously playing with the end of one strand of her yellow blonde hair and tapping one foot. Seemingly confused, she looked up to the nun who was holding my shoulders. Sister Monet nodded and went to sit down at her desk.

"Tino," she told me kindly, "You can sit down."

Stiff and uncomfortable, I went and sat in the only seat available. The one that was right next to my big sister.

"T-TINO?" she gasped, clutching the cross around her neck, taking in me and all my crossdressing glory. "Uh-uhm, I've been gone a LITTLE too long, haven't I?"

Out of nowhere, a surge of fierce, unexpected anger flowed through me at her words. "Well maybe if you had come back when you turned eighteen when you PROMISED YOU WOULD, I wouldn't BE wearing a dress! But you didn't! Why didn't you, Asa?"

Her face fell in shame, making me feel guilty about lashing out at her. "Because… because I was pregnant. With Emmi." Weakly, she gestured to the abnormally quiet toddler sitting on her lap that I had somehow failed to notice before. "Say hi to your Uncle Tino, Emmi."

She looked up at me, with a dazzling pair of chocolate colored eyes that matched the exact shade of my own and gave me a grin only a child could. "Hi," she said quietly, waving erratically.

I felt dizzy with the paternal rush of emotion I felt looking into practically my own face. "Hey there, cutie."

She giggled and hid her face in her mom's shirt, peeking over at me now and again. Asa sighed, obviously relieved about something. "She's usually so shy," she explained, stroking the child's blonde hair, "but I've been telling her about you every night since the day she was born. It's like she already knows you, Tino. And now you can finally come home and be just like her big brother… I've missed you so much! I can't believe I had to miss seeing you grow up and become a young… man?"

"I'm still a BOY!" I whined, starting to fall back into rhythm with her. "I'm just in a DRESS!"

"Okay," she said. "But why?"

Sister Monet decided to break into the lovely family conversation then. "That would be because you have interrupted our New Year's ball, Asa, honey. He was in the midst of dancing with a very lovely and handsome young man, too! Oh, they were having so much fun, it was hard to break them apart. You should have seen the way I found them, stuck together like glue! Just like lovers!"

Ho…ly… poo. Did I just get set up for interrogation from my sister by a NUN?

The answer was yes. Yes. I. DID. Shocked, Asa turned to me, eyes wide and consequently appalled. Her mouth was hanging open in an embarrassing way, one that made me blush fervently and avoid her gaze. No words came out of her mouth, but I could see the question of confirmation that way in her face. She wanted me to nod or shake my head. That was all. But I couldn't even do that for her, I was in such a state of shock. Did Sister Monet WANT Berwald to be allowed to come home with me or NOT? She should have known Asa well enough to realize that she was a very strict Catholic, as we had been raised to be, meaning she was terribly, extremely, undeniably… homophobic.

"W-we aren't LOVERS!" I spat quickly, my face turning even redder with the word. "He's just my PARTNER! Th-there weren't enough girls and I'm… well, the girliest looking guy, admittedly, so they made me dress up like a girl and my partner had to be a guy! That's all, okay?"

I had never seen a true death glare until I looked into the suddenly soulless black eyes of the infuriated nun in front of me. "Tino… don't you know that LYING is against the TEN COMMANDMENTS?"

Unnerved, I shrunk down in my seat, afraid that she was going to whip out a paddle and start smacking my butt viciously. "Y-yes, ma'am…"

"Well then, why don't you tell your lovely big sister the TRUTH about what happened?"

Feeling on the verge of crying again, I looked at the floor and spit out the truth. "Okay, I'm sorry! What really happened was the guys were supposed to ask the girls so I was going to ask one girl but then he came up and asked me and I said yes because I lo-…" I froze, terrified to even begin to say that word in front of Asa.

"Because WHY?" Asa asked, sounding totally P..

I whimpered, wishing that Berwald was here right now so I didn't have to do this alone. "B-because I wanted to, that's why."

I could almost feel the anger emanating from her as she glared at me. "Because you WANTED TO? You wanted to say yes to dancing with another BOY?"

Her homophobia was so blunt and hateful and overpowering that it broke my heart to know that inside her head, she was asking God to send Berwald to Hell. She didn't even know him, what gave her the right to hate him? I grit my teeth, losing my fear of her. Once upon a time, I may have shrunken back from her, let her boss me around because I was young and scared and she was the only one who I could turn to. But now, I didn't need that. Now I had the guts to tell her she was wrong.

Feeling my heart start to leap, I looked my sister straight in the eyes and said, "That's right. Because I WANTED TO. And I WANTED TO because…" I took a deep breath, readying myself, "I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! Screw religion, I love Berwald, you jerk! So unless you can handle that, just pack up and get out. I'm not going ANYWHERE."

Her upper lip stiffened and I felt my vehemence drain, my resolve waver. "Listen to me now, because I'm only going to say this once," she hissed. "You may be trying to scare me away from taking you from your boyfriend, but in actuality, you're doing the EXACT opposite. I never imagined I'd go away and you would lose God like THIS. Tino, I'm taking you home now. I was going to wait until tomorrow, but I've changed my mind. Go get your things together. We'll leave as soon as you're done."

Desperation filled me, and I looked to Sister Monet for help, guidance of any kind. She had to be able to do something, right? When she shook her head sadly, I felt my heart sink. I was trapped again, stuck between the people who really loved me and the ones who just wanted to beat me down. I felt nauseated, sick to my core, and without even thinking about it, I ran out of the room crying my eyes out for what felt like the ten millionth time tonight. I took off down the hall, ripping my stupid shoes off and throwing them back at the office in a rage. Why had I even had hope in my heart that I would be able to convince stupid Asa to take me AND Berwald? Sobbing, I careened through the orphanage and back to the cafeteria, where the New Year ball was still taking place without me.

I felt torn, used…. Ripped to pieces by everything that had happened today. It was like a rollercoaster ride of emotion that I couldn't get off, no matter how hard I tried. I ran back in, hiccupping, tears streaking my cheeks and snot starting to run out of my nose. I needed to be back in Berwald's arms… I needed him so much, I thought I was going to throw up. And, just like the angel he was and always would be, he was waiting there for me, exactly where we had left him who knew how long ago. The second he caught sight of me, he relaxed and came over to me, pulling me into his strong arms even though I was totally gross right now. It was like he didn't even care that I was smudging his fancy clothes with boogers and makeup.

"Please…" I whispered into his ear. "Just one more night… that's all I ask. If you really are an angel, then you'll give us one more night together."

Unlike any other person's boyfriend would have, Berwald didn't ask me questions. He didn't ask me what had happened. He didn't ask why I was suddenly praying in his ear. He didn't even ask if I was leaving him forever. He just said, "One m're n'ght," and kissed me with soft lips and a wildly beating heart.

After a little while of just letting him hold and kiss me, I had to point it out. "I feel seriously nasty…" I muttered, wiping my face with my hand and taking it back to find it blackened and snotty. I wondered how he could even stand to KISS me like this…

Alertly, Berwald threw a glance to the giant clock on the wall across the room, checking the time. Seeming satisfied about it only being almost ten, he picked me up in his broad arms bridal style and started to carry me out of the room, surprising me. I didn't struggle or say a word, just watched to see where he would take me. Obviously if it made sense to him, then it would be okay for me. I was a teeny bit alarmed when he took me into the bedroom, but it was just to grab both of us some more comfortable clothes to wear, instead of the formal junk we had on. I expected him to put me down and let me change, but he just kept on going, headed straight for the bathroom.

"B-Berwald… what are you doing?" I asked, my heartbeat increasing in tempo as various things went through my mind at one time.

"Y'u felt nasty…" he pointed out. "Th'ught y'u might want t' show'r."

Suddenly it all made sense. I flushed, my own stupidity making me want to crawl under a rock and die. But then another question bubbled up. "So why did YOU get new clothes then?"

With a new kind of light dancing in his eyes, he gazed down at me and whispered in a deep, almost seductive way, "I gu'ss I f'lt a l'ttle nasty too…"

**Reviews= Love! Review-a-Story Workshop! Where better writers are made! **


	10. Then I Met You

It was like an out-of-body experience hearing him say something like that to me. I even shook my head just to be sure I was fully awake and not having some kind of weird dream where Berwald said sexual things to me while carrying me like his bride to the showers… nothing changed. This was really happening. It took me until we were actually in the bathroom to find my voice and speak up, though it was slightly high in pitch and more than a little bit shaky.

"Y-you felt nasty too?" I said with an awkward laugh as he set me down. "But you didn't have makeup on and you weren't crying…"

He paused, his arms still around me, and looked at me in disbelief. I shrunk back a little involuntarily from his incomprehensive scowl. He was making me feel really self-conscious…

"Wh-what?" I muttered, feeling my face heating up.

He looked down at me, muttered something in Swedish, and pushed some of my hair back behind my ear, before kissing me on the forehead and then breaking the embrace, going into the shower to turn it on. I wondered if he realized he'd spoken in Swedish, because if he had intended to tell me something, I had no clue what he was trying to say to me. Curious now, I followed him into the shower, watching as he struggled to figure out the controls and what they did. I came up next to him, seeing that he was trying to find how to turn it on, and hit the switch that I had seen the nuns hit.

He gave me a small but grateful grin, twisting the red-knobbed switch to make the water hotter and balancing it with the colder water until it felt really nice on my hand. I would have probably just left it there for awhile if Berwald hadn't told me I was soaking the stupid dress standing like a tard in the shower the way I was. Okay, so he didn't say it exactly like that, but it was similar. Either way, I got out and spared the dress a watery death.

Now came the awkward part. Ever since he had come here, I'd had a hard time taking off my clothes in front of him, and it seemed to be getting worse with the passing days. With a nervous shiver, I turned my back on him, like I had the first day and started trying to pull off the dress without having it touch my face, which was kind of a difficult task. Just when I almost smudged it, I felt it be swiftly pulled off of me, missing my face by less than a millimeter. I sighed with relief when it was off, turning to thank Berwald and totally forgetting I was in my underwear.

Which turned out not to matter so much, because so was he.

I couldn't help the involuntary "eep!" noise that came from my throat when I found my face directly in his bare chest, the smooth skin tight over hard muscle that I kind of wanted to touch. Flustered, I looked up to find his face, surprised to find that his was also red from embarrassment. Just as I began to wonder if either of us had the courage to go any further than staring at each other in our undies, my question was answered and he took my hand, pulling me into the steamy room full of streaming water.

"B-but my underwear…" I protested under my breath. "I don't want wet underwear…"

Quickly, but obviously in a way that was carefully designed not to scare me, he pulled off mine and his, and dragged me all the way in, grabbing a washcloth off a nearby rack. The first thing he did was press me against a wall, which made me whimper and close my eyes, but all he was doing was wiping off the makeup and snot that had smeared my face earlier. My heart was racing, my breath coming unevenly due to the close contact of our… nakedness. It made me redden even more to find that he seemed about as unaffected by the fact we were pressed together like this as if he weren't really gay. And even if he WEREN'T, wouldn't he still have some sort of reaction? Like a negative one?

But no, not even after he successfully got all the crud off of my face did he react. He just smiled, probably glad to see my real face again after so much time. After about another half a minute of just staring at me with no reaction, he leaned over and pressed his lips against mine, weakening the discomfort that had started to grow in me. Knowing I could never twine my arms around his neck due to our severe height difference, I just put them around his waist, gasping with surprise when I felt the scars that I had so badly wanted to touch under my fingers.

They were weirdly soft instead of hard, contrary to how they looked, and smooth until they overlapped. I let my fingers trace the patterns of them, following them wherever they went, moving with the graceful flow that both pained and intrigued me… until I heard a moan that I assumed was from pain. I dropped my hands immediately and looked up at Berwald's eyes, just to be sure I hadn't hurt him. Apparently not… his normally calm, icy blue eyes looked almost like fire now with the way they burned with excitement, looking down at me. I wondered suddenly if my eyes looked the same as his… I felt a small panic start inside me.

"B-Berwald…" I whimpered.

He didn't exactly ignore me, but kissed me on the neck instead of the mouth, giving me a chance to talk.

"I-I…" Why wouldn't the words come out? Why couldn't I just tell him that I didn't want to DO this? "I'm…" I had to do this. "Scared…"

Just like I had flipped a switch in his brain, he stopped kissing me altogether, the weird fire that had been in his eyes gone.

My lip quivered, but I forced the words out anyway. "Please… s-stop. I can't do this yet…" Fear was leading me, which made me a coward, I knew, but I just didn't have the courage to let him go any further. I had to stop him before it was too late to ever go back. "My sister already doesn't like us, if she caught us doing this, she'd NEVER forgive me…"

I waited anxiously for a moment, letting him have time to react. Suddenly, it was like nothing had ever happened between us and he hugged me, muttering into my ear, "I'm s'rry…"

"Me too…" I said, putting my arms around him again, just to feel the scars, which reminded me of what I had been wanting to ask him. "Hey, Berwald, can I ask you something?"

He stiffened a little from the shock of my rapid subject change, but nodded.

"What REALLY happened to you to make you come here? I heard some nuns talking about your parents beating you and doing horrible things to you and your grandparents… but I wanted to hear it from you."

His tense state didn't relax after my question, but he didn't move or say he wouldn't answer. With a sigh that I felt more than heard, he said, "It's a l'ng st'ry… let's g't dress'd."

With one more sad glance at the shower from both of us, we turned off the water and got out, while we got dry and he started to tell me the story. The whole time he was speaking he didn't look at me, always finding some reason not to meet my eyes while we both put clothes on and went to sit on the couches in the bathroom, our hair still dripping wet. His story started off the same as the nuns had, with him going through it his whole life, until he was spared by his grandparents, who were killed by the parents. But there were huge parts of the story that I hadn't heard, ones that brought tears to my eyes. Yes, he had been abused physically and sexually, but all that had messed with his mentality.

Numerous times, he told me, he'd tried to kill himself, just to be rid of the horrible burden he carried with him. The most horrible times were in elementary school, when the counselors talked to all the students about abuse and that if something like that was happening, you were supposed to tell a teacher. He attempted to explain to me how trapped he'd felt between actually doing that and the fear of his parents killing him if he tried. So he'd kept it in, every year falling deeper and deeper into depression, until finally, in junior high, he'd actually almost hung himself, but that was when his grandma had gotten involved. She had saved him from destroying himself… I suddenly felt the strong urge to pray for her soul up in Heaven.

Even after his grandma had helped, though, he still had wanted to die, so he kept trying to, but every single time something stopped him. Then, when his mom got pregnant with another baby, he decided to keep himself alive, just for his little sibling, so that he or she wouldn't have to go through everything he was. But it was never born. The second his mom had found out she was pregnant again, she went and got an abortion. Never had he ever wanted to kill someone before then, he explained, fists clenching in fury. The rest of the story was pretty predictable… it went on the same until his parents murdered the only people Berwald had had left in the world and he had ended up here.

"Th'n I met y'u…" he whispered. " And ev'rything made s'nse ag'n."

This was the most I had ever heard him say the whole time I had met him… and it was absolutely the worst story I had ever heard. I was a sucker for sad stories, so it took all the strength I had not to burst into tears. "Thank you…" I breathed.

His brow furrowed in confusion as he stared dismally at me, the reliving of his memories a painful thing. "For wh't?"

"For answering my prayers." I leaned over and kissed him, my heart leaping happily when he kissed me back.

"I should have known I would find you making out with him in the bathroom," hissed a shrill voice from the doorway.

I stood up off the couch, trying not redden as I crossed my arms and glared at Asa. "Well maybe if you would have just gone away, you wouldn't have FOUND me making out with him, which wasn't even what we were doing. We were kissing."

She rolled her eyes impatiently, readjusting the sleeping child in her arms. "Look, Tino, I'm sorry I acted that way, okay? I just… I haven't seen you in so long. I guess lots of things have changed since we were both little kids, huh? We need to get to know each other again and the only way for that to happen is if you come home with me."

After hearing Berwald's story, there was no way I could leave him now. I was the only thing holding him together right now. "Fine. I'll go with you. But the compromise is that Berwald comes too."

For a second, she looked at me like she thought I was kidding around with her, even smiled. But then she realized I was serious and suddenly, she looked more like a mother than a big sister. "Tino… I know you've never seen where I live, but there's literally only one room left, and that's for you. Plus I don't have the money to pay for three children! And even if I did, I'd have to talk to Eric about it…"

My eyes widened.

"Look, Tino, the answer is no. Please just get your stuff in the car… and stop looking at me like that!"

"Asa…" I said calmly as she turned away. "I want you to meet Berwald."

She froze where she stood, only moving her head to look at me. Berwald, sensing that I wanted him to, came and stood next to me, looking wary and shy, and undeniably terrifying. The second she saw him, her mouth fell open and her face was the picture of surprise. Just as she was about to say something, Emmi's eyes popped open and she looked over her shoulder at me and Berwald, giving us that cute baby smile and sliding out of her mother's arms. As fast as she could, she toddled over to Berwald, holding onto his leg and giggling.

"Big bruver, Mama!" she squealed with delight, running around the Swede's legs and climbing all over him.

With keen eyes Asa studied the scene in front of her, watching her daughter as she played on Berwald like a jungle gym. She turned to me, watching as I laughed while Emmi giggled, trying to get her "big bruver" to smile. It finally worked and a way less frightening expression crossed his face as he looked lovingly at the hyper figure in front of him. Just as I felt her resolve was weakening, she spoke, pulling the three of us out of our moment.

"Tino… let's go." With that, she picked up Emmi, who started wailing, and left, grabbing my arm and dragging me out. "Goodbye, Berwald… it was nice meeting you."

I tried desperately not to turn around and see the face that he was making, but it was like an involuntary movement. I looked and I knew that face would haunt me until I got to see him again. As I was pulled away, I tried to erase the memory of the tears in his eyes, the pain in his expression.

"I love you," I said, so softly that I knew he couldn't possibly hear.

**Okay, so my last review joke thingy made even LESS people review... so I'll just ask nicely. Pretty please review? My day sucked and it would make me feel better!**


	11. Even If It Killed Me

It happened just like that. One minute, I was enjoying my time with Berwald and the next I was shoved into a small, junky car that smelled like rotten peanuts, sitting next to a relentlessly crying toddler, headed for a small town in the middle of nowhere that was hours away from the orphanage. I didn't bother paying attention to where we were going; I knew there was no way for me to walk back. So I just silently sulked and tried to drone out the commotion, attempting to plug my nose and ears at the same time. Glaring out the window, all I saw was snow, snow, snow, and more snow, plus a few trees.

"As soon as we get home, Tino, we're going to confession, alright?" Asa said, staring at the road, shoulders tensed up from stress. "I bet you haven't been since I left, have you?"

I decided she deserved no answer from me. I didn't even glance her way, just thought guiltily of the look on Berwald's face as I'd been dragged away. He'd needed me and I couldn't even give him that. I heaved an irritated sigh and swallowed the lump that was beginning to form in my throat. Crying now wouldn't do anyone any good and I wasn't about to let my sister see my weak side again. Anxious, I played with the white beret that Sister Monet had told me I could keep as I was being dragged away, rubbing its soft material like it was a security blanket.

My sister grumbled, irritated. "Oh, so now you aren't going to talk to me? Well that's just fine. Don't talk to me, but I hope you realize I didn't do this to be mean to you. I just think you've been away from your family so long that you've lost who you are. I mean, you've always been a weirdo, but I never imagined that I'd see you wearing a dress! Do you really think Mom would be proud of you for that?"

The temptation to yell at her was definitely there, but I took a deep breath and calmly responded, "Mom would have loved me for who I am. She never would have taken me away from the orphanage if I was happy."

"NOT if she knew that you were in there making out with guys!" she protested.

"I WASN'T making out with guys! You act like just because I kissed ONE guy I was running around with every boy I saw! When did you turn into such a butthole?" I snarled, waking Emmi, who had finally fallen asleep.

Groggily, she glanced over at me, rubbing her eyes and giving a little yawn. "Uncle Tino, I dweamed about big bruder… he said to tell you… uh, he said dat he misses you lots!" Then, like she hadn't really been awake in the first place, she went back to sleep.

The rest of the ride to my sister's home was silent, neither of us able to say anything.

I didn't realize that I had fallen asleep too, until I was shaken awake by a warm pair of hands and an effeminate voice whispering, "Tino… Tino, wake up."

My eyes opened slowly, taking in details one at a time. First of all, I noticed that the woman shaking me awake wasn't my sister. She was a wrinkly old lady who smelled like roses and had a sweet smile on her face. Secondly, the snow here was about a foot lower than it had been near the orphanage. In some places you could even see the yellowed dead grass sticking out in patches. Thirdly, my sister and Emmi were nowhere in sight. I was alone with this strange old woman, which started my heart pumping in fear. I sat up attentively, grabbing my beret and nearly smacking heads with her.

The woman laughed, pulling out of the car to give me room to move. "Good morning, sweetheart. It's nice to meet you again! I know you probably don't recognize me since it's been so long… I'm your sister's adoptive mother, Ellen."

Strange. I hadn't remembered her being this old, and it was only five years ago… Not wanting to spend any more time with her alone, I got out of the car, said hello very tentatively, and walked past her and through the front door of the very small but cozy-looking house, glancing nervously behind me when Ellen followed. I walked faster through the rooms, everything unfamiliar and nerve wracking. Suddenly, with a shot of pain from my bladder, I realized I'd never gone to the bathroom before I'd heard the nuns gossiping… Blushing, I turned to ask Ellen where the bathroom was, only to find that she was gone.

"A-Asa?" I muttered, clenching the hat tighter in my grasp. "Asa?"

Just as I was about to lose my mind, my sister walked into the room, looking very surprised to find me standing in the kitchen, about to cry and pee my pants simultaneously. "Oh, you're finally awake? Here, I'll show you your room now so that you can get ready for church…"

Too angry and stubborn to ask her where the bathroom was, I let her take me to where I would be living, secretly searching for one on the way there. We reached the end of the hallway and she pushed open a very plain-looking door that opened up to what would have been a normal room, if not for the balcony outside the glass doors that doubled as the windows and the beautiful view of a lake shimmering whitely in the pale moonlight. My eyes widened as I slowly stepped forward in disbelief, staring out into a snowy-hilled paradise.

"It's the only room we had left… Emmi couldn't use it because we were afraid she'd fall if she got out on the balcony and it's meant to be for guests, not the master bedroom. So I hope you like it… you can decorate it however you want to later. But for now, I've out some of Eric's church clothes on the bed for you to wear. They might be a little big, but they'll be fine…"

Not a word she said registered in my mind as I stared out at the scene in front of me. If I squinted really hard, I was sure I could see a waterfall way back in the distance, falling from a high cliff and crushing fiercely into the water below it, sending up a white, foamy spray… I shook my head in wonder. I'd never imagined I'd get to see these things…. And I still had to pee.

"Asa…" I murmured, "I'm exhausted… please, can I go some other time? I'm just… really…"

With an affectionate pat on my head, she gave in. "Okay, I'll let you off tonight. But the rest of us are going. Do you think you'll be alright here by yourself?"

I nodded and she took her leave, finally letting me be alone to relieve my poor bladder's suffering in the bathroom that was attached to the room. Being nosy, I started going through all the stuff in the cabinets, but I only found some extra toilet paper and towels. Bored, I left and went back out to stare at the heart stopping beautiful scene in front of me, only from out on the balcony. I opened the heavy glass doors with a squeak, shoving until one of them finally stayed, and went out, only to have cold wind blow across my unsuspecting body and tear the beret from my hands.

I gasped, grabbing for it, but it was gone… and I knew it. With freezing bones and nothing but pain in my heart, I sank heavily to my knees and finally started to cry, the wind carrying away my sobs as soon as they left my mouth… I couldn't live like this. As nice as I knew it would be to have a warm bed and loving family around me, plus a room all of my own and nobody to bug me for piggyback rides, I missed the orphanage.

No, it wasn't even that.

I missed Berwald.

Suddenly frantic, I shot up out of my defeated crouch and ran back inside, flying through the house until I found the kitchen again. It had to be here, they had to have at least one… there. There on the wall was a shiny, black telephone. I yanked it off its cradle hastily, searching through my sister's phonebook at the same time, and punching in the number when I found it listed. My heart pumped with anxiety as I heard it ring… and ring… and ring… I needed to talk to Berwald. With every ring, I became increasingly more upset, tears still streaking down my face…

"Hello, this is Sister Monet speaking from the All Saints Orphanage, how may I help you?" The familiar voice reached through the phone and wrapped around me, making me want to cry even harder as it brought back memories.

"S-Sister, it's Tino…" I said shakily, trying to keep my voice from cracking.

"Tino?" she gasped, sounding more alert now. "What's wrong, baby? Are you alright?"

I sniffed, nodding even though she couldn't see the motion. "Yeah, I'm fine. I made it here safely and stuff… but, I was wondering, can I please, PLEASE just talk to Berwald for a little bit?"

There was a hesitant silence that started my heart throbbing again, until she said, "Okay, but try not to take too long, because the phones are supposed to be about adoptions, and I don't want some other kid to lose their chance. I'll go get him…"

Not too much later, I heard shuffling and the exchange of some muffled words, alerting me that Berwald HAD to be in the room now. Sister Monet could never talk that quietly. After another few seconds, I heard exactly what it was I had been wanting to hear since I picked up this phone.

"Hello?" he said, his deep voice drawing more water from my eyes and pulling on my heartstrings.

"Berwald…" I breathed, just to hear myself say it again.

"Tino…" I could hear that he was emotional too, and it made me miss him even more.

It felt like I hadn't seen him in weeks instead of just hours. This day had been so long… "I miss you," I whimpered, feeling beaten down.

"M'ss y'u too…" If I had sounded beaten and pained, then he had sounded completely ravaged and ripped apart.

Humorlessly, I chuckled, hearing the dull sound echo through my skull. "You know, I just realized that we never did get a last dance, did we? We can't leave it like that… no, I'll have to come back so we can finish our night!"

As with most moments with Berwald, he said nothing. But the difference was, on the phone, I would never be able to see what kind of light was shining in his sapphire eyes… I couldn't tell what he was thinking, how he was reacting… it drove me crazy. I tried to imagine his face in my mind, think about what he would have done if I'd said that to him in person… but I never would have had to say that to him in person.

"Right?" I asked, feeling hysteria rise.

"I j'st w'nt y'u home…" was his response.

That was it. I couldn't hold back the floodgate that had been threatening to be released the whole conversation. I sobbed into the phone, clutching it so tightly my fingers turned white and the veins on my hand stuck out. "I want to go home…" I told him, "I really just want to go home…"

In the background I heard Sister Monet say something quietly and I knew my time with Berwald was running out. "G't to go… Tino, I l've y'u."

"Love you too…" I barely had time to say before Sister Monet stole the phone from him and wished me a good night and a happy New Year, and then hung up.

For almost an hour I sat there on the cold tile floor, holding the phone to my heart, crying quietly. It wasn't until I heard the rest of the family coming back that I quickly shoved it back into its cradle and sprinted to my "room", flinging myself face first onto the soft, comfortable bed and feigning sleep. I heard someone, most likely Asa, peek in to check on me and then disappear again, leaving me to hate everything all by myself. I heard a couple different voices and strained my ears to pick up their words…

"He had a really hard day," I heard my sister tell someone. "He can meet you tomorrow."

"You're right. It couldn't have been easy taking him from that orphanage, since he loved it there and all," a man said, the one I assumed was her husband, Eric.

There was a pause and then Asa muttered, "More like WHO he loved there… when I got there, the first thing I saw of him was a makeup smeared face and a very beautiful white dress… and then I found out something… it changed a lot."

"That was?" Eric asked, something shifting as he picked it up.

"Tino's gay, Eric. He has a boyfriend at that orphanage. I can't decide who to blame for it… the nuns, Tino's stupid boyfriend, or myself. I caught them kissing in the bathroom… what should I do with him?"

Eric was silent for a second before he said, "What would you do? I mean, he's already gay… you can't really do anything about it. Besides, I know plenty of gay people! My own older brother is gay, for Pete's sake! Asa, I think you just need to relax about it and let him be who he is, alright? You know God is all forgiving… plus if he didn't want homosexuals in the world, why would he make them in the first place? It's a little shocking at first, sure, but you'll get used to it in no time! It's not the most important thing about him and he's always going to be your baby brother. Just remember that."

"But it's against everything I was taught my whole life. My RELIGION."

Eric heaved a tired sigh. "Honey, religion isn't everything… well, goodnight!"

And, even though I was in horrible pain, his words touched me so deeply, I knew I would be okay. Because this horrible feeling wouldn't last forever. I would see Berwald again. Even if it killed me.

**Okay, so... I must apologize to all whom i offended with the abortion in the last chapter before i go on. I didn't realize it would freak so many people out, so yeah. Sorry. ANYWAY! Reviews are like a box of chocolates... ya never know what your gonna get! (Ain't that the truth...) Please review, in a nice way that doesn't kill my happy ;)**


	12. Two Years Later

_2 years later_

I was finally getting out of this place. I had a car; I could drive. I didn't need to be dragged places by any of them anymore. Though they had shoved college in my face multiple times, I had refused. College? I had barely made it every single day through high school without losing my mind. So the day high school ended, I packed up my stuff and got out of there. I said goodbye, of course, but I knew Asa never would have let me go if I said it to her face… so I wrote a note and during the early morning, I snuck out. Yeah, it was a little childish, but one more day in this house seemed worse than Hell to me.

The first thing on my list of to-do's was go back to visit the orphanage, like I'd wanted to every single day of my life since I'd left. So that was where I was headed now, listening to the radio and singing Lady Gaga loudly to drown out the feelings that this place evoked in me.

Especially the pointless hope that _he_ would be there.

When you turned eighteen, you had a choice to stay at the orphanage or go live your life. At nineteen, they had to kick you out, because you're legally an adult. And adults weren't allowed to live in orphanages unless they worked there, which I doubted he did, since he could never be a nun. I tried to stifle that stupid part of my brain that was telling me he would be there, waiting for me to come back so that we really could have that last dance we'd talked about a couple years ago on the phone. I hadn't heard from him since then. Just the thought of his face and the way he'd touched me… it started my heart pounding and gave me a massive migraine.

Because it was summer (and my car had absolutely no air conditioning) I opened the windows, letting in a warm breeze, driving down the road that I remembered too well. It looked a lot better when it was thawed out; the trees were a leafy green and the fields swayed with long, yellow grass, instead of just being snow-covered nothingness. With the turn coming up in a few seconds, I started to feel anxious. What had changed while I was gone? Would anyone remember me? I doubted they would forget in such a short amount of time, but there was always that chance… and then the turn came, and I pulled into the familiar rocky drive and parked in the grass, taking a few deep breaths before getting out of the car.

It was like a huge memory rush. Nothing had changed, at least on the outside. Everything was still there, even the old oak tree with the tire swing… just as I was about to go inside, I heard the sounds of children playing out back. So they were outside right now. I headed toward the playground area, hoping that Sister Monet was out there. I knew she would recognize me, even if nobody else did. I didn't really look much different, aside from the few inches I'd gained and that my hair had gotten a little longer. She would remember.

Feeling awkward, I came upon a scene that was bluntly familiar to me. Kids were playing tag, sliding down the slide, playing on the playground, and just having a lot of fun. Except for one boy, who sat alone on the swing set, watching as the other children ran around and played with all of their friends. It was like I had walked straight into my past. I began to wonder if I had looked as lonely as he did, slowly swinging myself with my feet and gazing wishfully out into space as I always had. The kid was really cute, with wheat-colored blond hair and thoughtful blue eyes that, as usual, reminded me of somebody else. He looked about nine or ten, around the perfect age to be adopted. Somebody would swoop in and take him before he knew it, and then he would live a normal life with a normal family, and he wouldn't have to look back at his years here like an old man, because he wouldn't have the amount of memories I did.

"Tino?" I heard the voice I had been waiting for exclaim. "Tino, is that you, honey?"

I turned to find a slightly more wrinkled version of Sister Monet smiling at me, holding her arms out for a hug, megaphone in hand, like I remembered. With a rare smile breaking out on my face, I gave her a long, hard hug, surprised to find that I was taller than her now. She laughed when we were done, letting out a low whistle.

"Well look at you! You've gotten so big in just two years! Looks like Asa turned my baby into a real man!" Affectionately, she reached up and mussed my hair.

I scowled mockingly at her gesture and fixed my hair, saying, "I was always a real man, though it would have been easier to express my manliness if you hadn't shoved me in a dress and makeup, not to mention you supported me being gay! What kind of nun are you, anyway?"

Again, she grinned, turned to look at the playground and said, "The best kind, that's what!" Still smiling, she nudged me and pointed over to the boy that I had noticed earlier. "You see him? Just came in yesterday… from the very beginning, kid reminded me of you. In fact, I was just wondering what had happened to my little Tino and then bam! You show up! His name is Peter Kirkland."

I raised an eyebrow. "Is he Finnish?"

She shook her head and said, "Definitely not! He's got the cutest little English accent! I believe he's from London, though don't quote me on that one… Anyway, just thought I'd point him out to you, in case you didn't notice. On a different matter, how have you been since you left All Saints, huh?"

I shook my head, not wanting to really talk about it. "It… was hard. It was really hard. And it still is."

"I assume you're referring to… Berwald?" Sister Monet asked.

The wind blew, tossing my hair across my face gently, bringing the sweet smell of wheat to my nose as I inhaled. "Yeah."

It was quiet for a moment as we both went deeply into our own thoughts, probably going completely different directions.

"Would you like to know where Berwald is?"

Okay, or not.

I fidgeted awkwardly, looking at my feet.

"That's a definite yes. Well… when he turned eighteen, we gave him the option to stay or go, like we always do. He chose to go and he hasn't come back since… of course we didn't leave him empty handed and fighting to find his own way in the world. We got him a job, a car, and a cute little apartment to live in before we finally said goodbye. I don't think any of that mattered to him, though. Really, all I think he was trying to do when he left was find you. Because as soon as you left, he was a wreck. He didn't eat very often, didn't sleep well unless he was too tired from the other nights, and I don't think he spoke a single word to anyone for a whole year. It was awful to watch, but that's what happens when you run and orphanage; you end up seeing a lot of things that break your heart."

I closed my eyes tight, hating the painful mental images that flashed through my head. Berwald being all alone all the time… Berwald, though he was really starving, throwing his food away… Berwald lying awake all night just thinking constantly, unable to shut his brain up… all because of me. Gently, I felt the nun put her hand on my shoulder, comforting me.

"But don't worry too much, dear. I'm sure he's stopped that behavior by now… all he wants is to see you again. Let me just tell you where his apartment was so that you can be on your way!" Cheerfully, she pulled out a piece of paper from her nun pocket and handed it to me, address already written down. When I looked at her curiously, she explained, "I always knew you'd come back for it!"

With one more cackle and a kiss on the cheek, she sent me away. I gave the kid, Peter, one more considering glance before I headed back to my car and drove off towards the town where Berwald waited for me. It was a very short distance away and wasn't long until I pulled into the apartment building parking lot, parked, and started my search. My heart was flying, of course, as were my thoughts as I practically ran down the hallway, glancing occasionally at the room numbers as I flew by them. I was going to get to see him again… I felt like I was going to puke.

I reached the door number that Monet had scribbled down, panting and gasping for air rapidly, and I rang the doorbell, tears coming to my eyes when I heard the feet shuffling, heard the door creaking open… My heart literally stopped. More nauseous than before, I stumbled backwards, clutching at the wall behind me with clawed fingers. This. Wasn't. HIM.

The man at the door looked very confused and concerned for me as he said, "Um, hi, are you alright?"

I couldn't answer, couldn't bring myself to open my mouth, because I knew if I did no words would come out. Only cries. This was supposed to be BERWALD. Frantically, I looked from the number on the paper to the number on the door, growing furious when they matched. Sister Monet had LIED to me. In my rage, I threw down the piece of paper and fell to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, covering my face with my hands so I didn't have to see the stupid man in front of me.

"Uh… dude?" the guy said, sounding uncomfortable.

Before I did something that could land me in jail, I stood up and left, crying the whole way back down to my car, hating the world. Knowing that driving while crying was a stupid thing to do, I found a bench outside of the front of the building and sank down in it, losing any ounce of composure I might have had left. People stared as they walked by, seeming almost frightened, but I didn't care… no, I didn't care about anything. Sister Monet LIED.

The more intense part of my fit only lasted about five minutes, until I calmed down and pulled my knees up to my chest, hiding my face in them, whimpering softly. Though it was summer, the air seemed cold and heavy now, hard to breathe… just as I was about to get up and find a place to stay for awhile, a cute snow-colored puppy walked up to me, waging it's fluffy tail back and forth, staring up at me with eager black eyes.

I sniffled, staring at it curiously and wiping my nose. "Hey there, doggie. Where's your tags?" I asked, running my hand through its thick, soft fur and only noticing that it had something in its mouth when I went to poke its nose. "What's that…?" I pulled on it gently, worrying the soft white fabric between my fingers.

My eyes widened in pure disbelief. There was no way. Just as I tried to remove the item from the dog's mouth, he took off in the other direction, leaving me behind, shocked. The thing had felt just like my white beret… On a whim, I decided to get up and follow the puppy, running after it like a psycho. Which was most definitely what I looked like, streaking after an animal the way I was. Every so often, the dog would glance back, like he was checking to be sure I was still coming, and then continue running, dodging through people's legs. Unfortunately, I wasn't quite that nimble or small, so the going was pretty slow, and I was already panting from the exertion. Maybe following him had been a stupid idea…

Or at least that was what I was thinking up until I saw the fluffy white creature switch directions quickly before leaping through a doggy door attached to the front of what appeared to be a flower shop. I had him now! Breathing hard, my heart pounding, I opened the glass front door and found the puppy lying in his dog bed on the floor, curled up with what was undeniably my hat. The dog gave a cute little yawn, sticking his pink tongue out, and then turned around once more before closing his eyes and heaving a content sigh. I decided that I should just get my hat and go before someone came to the counter, thinking I wanted to buy flowers or something.

Slowly, so as not to wake up the fluff ball, I crept over and pulled gently on my beret, watching gratefully as it slipped out from under the pup without a hitch. Being an animal lover, I couldn't resist running my hand through that thick, silky fur just one more time, so I paused for just a second, giving him a good scratch before standing up, only to find that someone was at the counter now. Watching me. I spun around, fully embarrassed, to explain the story of how I ended up here and was struck speechless when I was met with a pair of wide, icy dark blue eyes and the scowl that I had once said could make babies cry…

**YOU! I wanna take you to the REVIEW PAGE! I wanna take you to the REVIEW PAGE! I wanna take you to the REVIEW PAGE, REVIEW PAGE, REVIEW PAGE! Yeah, if you don't get the message by now, you never will... i mean i said review like six times now. Oh, btw, if you aren't aware, that was a short little parody of Gay Bar by Electric Six, which is an awesome song that i do NOT own, but just so ya know... you should listen to it :D**


	13. Whatever You Want

I slapped a hand over my mouth before I could make any noise. There was absolutely no way this was actually happening… and if I was dreaming, I didn't want to wake up. I wasn't going to ruin this. He was standing there, face mirroring my own shock, looking more beautiful than I had remembered him. I saw his grip on the vase he was holding falter and watched with disbelieving fascination as it slipped from his hands, shattering when smashed onto the ground, scattering flowers everywhere. It was like he didn't even notice; he was completely focused on me, staring without blinking for almost a minute straight. It wasn't until the puppy barked that he did again, running a hand through his hair, looking stressed out and muttering to himself.

"Berwald," I gasped, muffled, through my fingers, a different kind of tears forming in my eyes this time.

He still seemed puzzled, like he could barely comprehend what was going on right now. For once, he was being slower than me. Just as it seemed he was going to open his mouth and speak to me, he closed it again and left, going into the backroom and coming back out with a broom, which he used to sweep up the shards of glass from the vase. When he was satisfied with the cleanliness of the store, he looked back up at me, as if testing that I was still there. I, of course, was and finally, he gave me exactly what I had been hoping for.

"Tino," he breathed, saying my name like he used to… with all the love in the world.

I felt like I was going to die from happiness; for the first time in a long time, I was warm inside. Two years had been enough to make me think nothing would ever thaw my heart out… but just one look at his face and it melted like butter. I wanted him to hold me again, kiss me sweetly, even just holding my hand would be enough… but he wasn't moving. Fiercely, he gripped the edge of the counter with his hands, the veins popping out on his arms. He was exceedingly tense, his muscles tight and rigid across every inch of him. But despite his terrifying posture, looking into his eyes was like jumping into a warm ocean, one that you could swim in forever and ever.

I decided to make the first move, since he didn't seem liable to do it any time soon. Energy pulsing through me, I ran quickly around the counter, and pulled his taut body into me, squeezing my arms around his thick torso and feeling happier than any one person had a right to. Instantly, with my touch, he relaxed, a sigh escaping from his lips as he pulled me closer, hugging me back. And when he leaned down and kissed me, it was like we had never been apart. We were starting right where we had left off.

Yet it was still different than it had been when I was sixteen. One thing that had changed was the way he held me, as if I were less of a precious jewel and more like a sturdy man that could take him on. Another thing was the amount of pressure he applied with the kiss; it was harder now, deeper, and had me gasping for air when it was over. I couldn't help the small shiver of pleasure that rippled through me when he kissed me more, couldn't control the small moan that escaped my lips… I was shocked by how much I wanted him right now, even a little embarrassed by myself.

But if Berwald noticed, he wasn't complaining about it. He just kept right on kissing me, probably wanting me just as much as I did him. It was like there was nobody else in the whole entire world, nothing happening outside of our embrace. I barely even heard it when the dog started barking, I was so intoxicated by his presence. It wasn't until somebody started ringing the service bell repeatedly that we both woke up and Berwald stopped, looking up with wrath written all over his face at whoever had interrupted us. It didn't soften a bit as he glared at the intruder.

Curious, I spun around in Berwald's arms to get a better look. I inhaled sharply; it was the guy from the apartment I had freaked out in front of. But instead of looking angry at me for having a mental breakdown at him, he just seemed amused at the scene playing out in front of him. With a laugh, he put his hands on his hips and said, "If you two start getting it on, I'm going to have to shut you down for a serious health code violation! Ha, just kidding. I should have known he belonged to you, Sve! Especially after he threw a massive fit in front of our apartment and angrily tossed this paper that said "Berwald's apartment number" on it!"

Stiffening again, Berwald grumbled, "Wh't do y'u w'nt, M'tthias?"

"Actually, the real reason I came wasn't to watch you and your boyfriend have a session, believe it or not. I just was wondering if Nickolai was here. But hey, this works too!" With a stupid grin on his face, he sat down in a chair and stared at us with wide eyes. "Hey, Mommy," he said, in a mock-child voice, "what's that one guy doing to that other guys butt?" He cracked up again, chucking even more when he got a look at the severe anger on Berwald's face.

"Go 'way. N'ckolai isn't h're. Took the d'y off."

Still chortling a little, the spiky-haired blond stood up, gave me a wink, and left, with one last eyebrow waggle for Berwald, who was growing increasingly furious. The second he was gone, we let go of each other, the romantic mood before now totally ruined and went and sat down. My face was flushed, everything that had just happened making me feel awkward. Berwald seemed less embarrassed and more aggravated, ready to destroy that guy when he had the next chance to. Which made me wonder… who WAS he? He had called Berwald Sve, which was really weird… suddenly, a thought came to my head that sickened me.

Could he be… Berwald's replacement for me? I didn't want to act like a jealous idiot, and after all, if he was, he had just walked in on me and his boyfriend making out and done nothing… okay, so it wasn't even remotely possible. But I still had to ask. "Um, Berwald?"

His anger lessened as he looked over to me.

"Who is that guy? And why does he call you Sve?" I asked, hoping I didn't sound as annoyed by the other guy's existence as I felt.

Berwald's eyes narrowed at the door. "M'tthias. M'roomate. He c'lls me Sve 'cause I'm Swed'sh."

Roomate? Now it all made sense…. And I had said all that horrible stuff about Sister Monet lying to me… it had never once occurred to me that Berwald could possibly have a roommate, not even once. Maybe I was a little bit slower then I had originally thought. I laughed a little, partially at my stupidity and partially at how obvious it was Matthias annoyed the bejeezus out of Berwald.

"Sve…" I said, liking it. "It's actually kind of a cute nickname! Oh yeah!" I turned to him, remembering a question I had thought of earlier. "What's your puppy's name? He's so cute!" 'And it's thanks to him that we actually got to see each other again', I added mentally.

"H'natam'go. Found h'm d'mped on the s'de of the road," he explained as the dog perked up his ears when his name was called and came over, tail wagging and tongue lolling happily.

I giggled when he came up and started licking my hand, his slobber warm and disgusting against my skin. Eagerly, I reached down and pulled him up onto my lap, outright laughing when he started trying to lick my face. "You're so cute, Hanatamago! I've always wanted a cute little puppy dog just like you!"

Smiling at me and the dog, Berwald looked like he had fully recovered from Matthias bursting in on us. He gave Hanatamago a gentle pat on the head before asking, "H'w did y'u get h're? Why aren't y'u at h'me?"

Not meeting his eyes, I stared at the cute face in front of me as I said, "I just finished high school… I wanted to go back to the orphanage so I could see how much things had changed… They aren't much different, really. Anyway, while I was there I met up with Sister Monet and we talked for a little while before she gave me a paper with your address on it. She told me to go find you, so I tried. But then when it wasn't you who answered the door… it just broke me. I kind of flipped, like Matthias said, and then I went to go cry on a bench. While I was sitting there, this little guy right here came up to me, holding something in his mouth… it was my beret, which I had lost the day I left the orphanage. So I followed him and… he brought me here. To you."

The silence was calm and thoughtful after I finished speaking, until Berwald asked, "So y'u h've no pl'ce to live?"

"Well… yeah, I'm pretty much homeless," I admitted.

"Live w'th me," he said bluntly.

So bluntly, in fact, that I blurted, "Huh?"

"Live w'th me," he repeated, looking sure of what he was saying and that my answer would be yes. "I lost y'u once… th't will n'ver h'ppen aga'n."

I nodded solemnly, desperately wanting to agree and say that I'd stay with him as long as we both lived, but I knew there was a question that I had to ask first. "Are you sure you have room for me…? The apartment didn't look very big."

"Th't's why I g't a house."

"You have a house…? Then obviously you haven't told Matthias that you're moving out yet, huh? Oh, I get it! You want me to live in the house with you… but how'd you know I would be coming back? And how did you ever get enough money with a flower shop job?" I knew I was probably being stupid.

He gazed serenely at me, saying, "I was g'tting one anyw'y. And I g't three j'bs, actu'lly."

My eyes shot wide open. THREE jobs? He was nineteen years old and he had THREE jobs? I didn't even have ONE! I couldn't imagine the awful strain it must put on him to be dealing with so much so young, and without a college education. Berwald had been actually getting somewhere in life while I had just sat there being pampered and missing him. I felt awful all of a sudden, wishing that he'd been adopted or something just so he didn't have to be under so much horrid stress from financial pressures.

"That's… wow, you're…" I didn't know what to say. "Have you even taken a break since you left All Saints?"

My question obviously surprised him, because he cocked his head slightly before shaking it slowly, staring out the storefront to the street where all kinds of people were going about their business. I smiled, glad that I might be able to help him get some time off for once in his life, which he really needed; he was super thin and there were dark circles under his eyes. Right when I was about to tell him to call up some other person to work, the door ringer went off and some guy in a sailor suit walked in, looking bored with life.

Startled, Berwald looked at his watch and back at the guy. "You're e'rly, N'ckolai."

He shrugged and said, "Just thought I'd see if you needed me. Looks like you're busy, so I'll take the rest of your shift for you."

"So th's is the only pl'ce he's alre'dy looked f'r y'u?" Berwald guessed, raising an eyebrow.

"Exactly." With that, Nickolai disappeared into the backroom to do some bouquet arranging or something.

We both stared after him for a second before Berwald stood up and took my hand, pulling me up with him, and started to drag me out, saying something about showing me the house we'd be living in. Hanatamago followed after us, staying close by my side, as if he were protecting one side of me while his Swedish owner covered my other side. It was a short walk from the shop to where we were headed, so we left the car and about five minutes later, he was dragging me through the door of the cutest little house that I'd ever seen, even more so than my sister's place. It had a sort of rustic look about it, while at the same time it was soft and unthreatening to anyone, the tones of everything matching perfectly. For being so small, it was really beautiful and open on the inside, with two bathrooms and two bedrooms, which surprised me a little.

When I asked about it, Berwald looked minutely embarrassed, shy even, when he replied, "I w's hoping to ad'pt a k'd."

His words brought back the memory of that small boy swinging on the swing by himself, watching the other kids play… and just like that, it all made sense in my mind. So this had been the plan all along. It had been fate for me to be taken from the orphanage that day, just so that I would go back and see Peter, just so I would get Berwald's address and end up moving in together with him… just so we would end up adopting a child to take care of together. It seemed too good to be true, but I knew it was. I knew life was finally turning around.

"Yeah," I told him. "Me too. And I know exactly which one I want."

After he finished showing me our new home, we got busy walking back to the car, went and got some of his stuff from the apartment, and I helped him start to move in, eager to have our life together again start. It took about a week, but we finally were able to pack all our junk into the house, unpack, get new things, and rearrange it all how we wanted. I told him all about Peter and it seemed the more I said, the more interested he got in adopting him. So, once we were settled, we called to see if he was still there. When Sister Monet told us that he was, I swear my heart skipped a beat. Childishly excited, I told her we'd definitely adopt him and that we'd come get him tomorrow sometime, before thanking her for everything and hanging up.

"So…" I said, looking at the clock, surprised by how late it was. "What do you want to do the last night before we become parents?"

I couldn't ignore the mischievous gleam in his eye at my words. "Wh'tever y'u w'nt."

Well, I could tell what HE wanted. Deciding that an opportunity like this would probably not come around ever again once we adopted Peter, I gave in to him, going over and sitting on his lap so that I was pretty much straddling him. With a grin that made me feel weak, he took pulled me closer and unhesitatingly kissed my face and neck, gently sliding off my shirt, and whispering something to me, over and over.

Something like, "I love you."

This time, there was no way I was going to chicken out.

**Okay, so apparently some people don't like it when i make Gay Bar jokes about reviewing, so i'm going to do something. I'm replacing the word "review" with "cheese" alright? So, now that that's settled, I will ask you nicely to cheese my story if ya like it, don't cheese if ya don't! It's quite simple really. Thanks to all those who have already cheesed my story and said NICE things about it! You guys is DA BOMB!**


	14. Foster

**I would just like to start this chapter with a MASSIVE thanks to all my awesome reviewers out there, paticularly Ducere Isoru, for explaining the process of adoptions to clueless me :) You guys make me smile!**

At first I could say nothing back, too focused on where he was kissing me to even start to think of a response. His hands kept getting lower and lower on my body, the kisses intensifying the further down they got. I whimpered, closing my eyes, suddenly scared like I had been the first time we'd done this. That weird fire was even back in his face as he pulled me even closer to him, until we were literally pressed against each other, body to body. He gave a moan, a deep sound that resonated through both of us, and I had to peek, just once, to see the expression he was making. His face was flushed pink and his eyes were all but glowing, intensely blue, staring right at me… I gasped, my eyes opening all the way again, a weird new feeling flooding through me, one that I didn't think I'd ever had before. I was… kind of warm… in weird places.

Biting my lip, he reached my pants, sliding them off my body as easily as he had my shirt, like he'd done this before. Oh wait…. He had once, in the shower. Trying to avoid his eyes from embarrassment of the expression that might have been on my face, I chose to look to the side, my teeth digging deeper into my lip as I focused on the doorway, trying not to make noise. My body felt like it was burning everywhere… especially after he finished undressing both of us fully, pressing his soft lips against my sensitive bare skin, sending shivers through me. I couldn't contain the small groan of pleasure that snuck out of my throat and sent my face ablaze with blush.

Softly, I felt one of his hands stroke my face, turning it so that we were facing each other before he shifted so that I was lying under him, giving me no choice but to look directly at him and let any expression I had run free. All my doubt was starting to slip away, the more I looked at his eyes. Somewhat hesitant, I reached up and wrapped my arms around him, like I liked to do, to feel his scars… Then I glanced to the side and was met with a pair of cute, shiny black eyes.

"Berwald…" I muttered, breathless. "We can't do this on the couch."

It was like he hadn't heard me. Or maybe he just had extreme tolerance for dogs watching EVERYTHING. I tried to follow his example and just block Hanatamago out, but I just couldn't seem to stop checking to see if he was still there. My lack of attention seemed to wake Berwald up, make him finally look over to see what I was seeing. Excited by the two of us staring at him, Hanatamago barked and wagged his tail, rolling over onto his back like he wanted us to pet his belly.

With a neutral expression, Berwald picked me up into his arms and bought me to our bedroom, making sure to close the door so that the stupid dog couldn't get in. He put me down, going back to where he had been before … Just when I thought we were actually get to the actual sex part, the doorbell rang. At midnight. Now the frustration was plausible on his face; I thought he'd just ignore it. I was surprised when he got up and pulled on some pants, not even bothering to fix his hair, and went to go see who it was. I went and slipped some pants on too, knowing the mood was officially ruined now, and followed behind him. I could see the annoyance in the set of Berwald's shoulders and suddenly, I felt bad for whoever had decided to make a midnight trip to our house.

Without bothering to check who it was first, he slammed the door open and we were face to face with his old roommate and the guy who worked at the flower shop with him. I remembered their names were Matthias and Nickolai…

"Wh't?" Berwald asked them.

"Well… okay, it's kinda like, uh…" Matthias said, giving us a hesitant grin.

Nickolai interrupted, looking furious. "This idiot invited me to live with him after you left, so I did. It was his turn to take care of our rent. If that's not a good enough explanation for why we're here, then I don't know what else to say. We got kicked out."

I could tell Berwald really wanted to shut the door and pretend like they'd never been there, but he was too nice to do that. "So y'u want to st'y here."

"Please?" Matthias gave us a fail puppy dog face. "Just for a week or a month or two! Then we'll leave, I swear."

"F'ne. But g't your own st'ff in." With that, he turned around and went straight back to bed, turning out the lights.

In a few seconds, he was snoring.

Well, so much for that. I curled up in the bed beside him, wishing desperately that I wasn't such a light sleeper with Matthias's big mouth running around and the sounds of the two of them moving things in to our house. As I started to fall asleep, I was re-awakened with a terrible thought. Would they let us adopt Peter with those two living here? No, would they even have let us adopt him WITHOUT them? There were so many things going against us… I had been so caught up in the excitement of everything that I hadn't even thought about it. There were things you had to have, qualifications. A settled job, so that you could pay for the kid. You had to be, well, STABLE and we were both kind of… not. We had about enough money for the two of us. And we were really young.

My stomach turned anxiously. I didn't want to drive to the orphanage just to be told we could never have him… I tossed and turned all night, wishing desperately that my fears would just slip away so that I could at least sleep a LITTLE, until Berwald's alarm went off, making my sleep-deprived head ache. I heard him get up and leave, so I decided to follow him. He deserved to know all these things too, and I really didn't want to see the disappointment on his face when they told us no. Exhausted, I pulled myself up and went after him, trying to ignore the two bodies lying on the living room floor next to a pile of boxes.

"Berwald," I said when we were in the kitchen.

He looked up, surprised to see me awake already. He handed me a cup of coffee, which I took gratefully, and then poured himself some, listening to what I had to say intently while he got ready to go to work. I explained everything I had thought of last night, all my worries about not being able to adopt Peter and the reasons behind them. The more I spoke, the more distressed he seemed to be getting, which didn't help my own discomfort. When I was finally done, he seemed deep in thought and for a long time, he said nothing. It was only as he walked out the door that he turned to me and said, "It'll w'rk out." Then he left me alone with two people that I barely knew lying unconscious in our house.

It turned out not to be so bad. I left the house before either of them could wake up, going out to get Berwald so that we could go to the orphanage and find out what was going on. Before I went, I put a sticky note on the fridge that told them where everything was at so that they wouldn't be confused and then I left, hoping that they would see it. When I went to pick up Berwald, he seemed a little tense about going back to the place that I had involuntarily left him at. I knew what it felt like to have a memory flash… it wasn't always fun. But we'd also had some good things happen there as well, and I hoped that that canceled out the bad things in his mind.

We pulled up to All Saints in silence, both of us anxious about our ability to adopt Peter... we got out and went up the steps, and opened the door to find that nothing had changed, just like the last time I had been here. It all looked the same and was set up that way, so we easily found where we were going. Sister Monet's office. I knocked on the door tentatively before opening it and seeing the smiley nun's face.

"Look at you two, really! You're all grown up! I've missed you both so much!" She gave us both grandmotherly hugs, before going back to business. "Please sit down, because I've been thinking about our phone conversation a lot… Tino, you hung up before I could finish talking. Now, I am perfectly aware that you are very willing to take care of Peter to the best of your abilities, but, of course, there are complications that I am certain you are already aware of, such as money and ableness to care for all his needs, bla bla bla. So, your request to adopt him has been considered and… I'm sorry, but I can't let you. However, there is an interesting alternative." She gave us one of her smiles, eyes gleaming. "I can always allow you to foster him. You have enough money for that, and I know you'll take very good care of him already."

Berwald and I shared a look, of relief mainly, before I answered, "Really? We can foster him?"

"Yes. So I can say that you would like to?"

I nodded, my sleepless night fading away as I realized that we would get to have a kid, even if it was only for a little while. Monet nodded, wrote something down, and looked up again, saying, "He's all yours! But if someone wants to adopt him, I can't stop them as long as they're eligible, so be prepared to say goodbye, alright? Hmm, I think the orphans should be in the cafeteria eating lunch right about now… let's go introduce you!" I watched warily as she yanked her megaphone off her desk and headed out to the hallway, motioning for us to come with her.

We followed her, walking a short distance back. I was extremely happy that we could have some claim over Peter and I couldn't help the smile that was on my face. Even if we had to say goodbye, I was going to get to be a real dad for the first time ever. It was a little nerve wracking, sure, and I didn't know much about being a parent, but it was always good to learn. Excited, I took Berwald's hand in mine, not really caring what anyone thought about it. We barely ever held hands. He looked down at me and I could tell he was excited too, even though his face was impassive. If possible, I was sure he wanted to be a father even more than I did to something besides a puppy.

She led us all the way to the cafeteria before taking out her megaphone and hollering, "Attention Peter Kirkland! Your ship has landed!"

I watched as the little boy I had noticed before got up and came over, giving Berwald and me wary looks before asking, in the cutest English accent ever, "What does that mean?"

Sister Monet laughed. "It means you've been chosen! These two nice young men are going to be fostering you for a little while! Trust me, they aren't as bad as they look. Both of them used to live here at All Saints, not more than two years ago, until Tino," she said, gesturing to me, "was adopted and Berwald, the other one, turned eighteen. Now they've come back and found you!"

He looked at the two of us again, cautiously. "Really? I'm going to be fostered by them?"

"That's right, honey. Now, why don't you three get to know each other or something while I go back to my office? I hear my phone ringing!" Sister Monet claimed.

Peter's face squidged. "But I don't hear anyth-"

"COMING!" the nun called, leaving us all alone.

For awhile, it was really awkward. Peter was just staring at us, looking us up and down and all over while we just looked back down at him. It wasn't until he seemed satisfied with us that he spoke, breaking the silence.

"So are you two gay lovers?"

It was a weird first question, but I laughed and said, "Well, I guess you could call it that, but I just refer to Berwald as my boyfriend."

He nodded, like he was agreeing with me on something. "Actually, I like gay people. So you used to live here? What happened to you? I got put here because my parents died in a car crash and nobody else in my family wanted me. It's kind of sad, but I've heard worse from some of the other kids here. Like one of them, I think his name was Sam or something, his family was full of drunks and druggies! I can't imagine something as awful as that! I hope you guys aren't like that, because then I'll be very sad that I have to live with you… but I'm happy right now! I like it here at the orphanage, but I'm sure I'll like your house much better! Do you have a pool? I've always wanted to live in a house that had its own pool! Swimming is really fun!"

He was so cute, babbling like he was and taking the whole conversation into his own hands. I just nodded through most of it, unable to try and get a word in. Berwald stared down at Peter, his expression truly unreadable, even for me, which made me wonder what he thought of him. Personally, I loved the little guy's personality, but Berwald was so quiet and thoughtful, and Peter was so… not. I was a little bit surprised when he brought his hand down onto the hyper child's head, stopping him mid-sentence and saying, "N' pool."

Peter blinked up at him for a second before his smile widened and he said, "That's okay! I've figure out that bathtubs work just as well as pools if you really want to swim! You can even scuba dive, though I wouldn't suggest it, especially for big guys like you. When are we leaving? I always keep my stuff packed up, because I was hoping someone like you two would come along and take me, so I don't need to get ready or anything!"

"Well, I'll go ask Sister Monet if we can leave…" I started to say, but it was unnecessary.

She popped up behind me, saying, "It's all taken care of, guys, just go on and live your lives already! Now, I expect you guys to come back and visit some time, particularly next New Year's Eve. I know that you two never did get to finish that dance… and maybe we can even find a little dance partner for Peter!" She eyed him, grinning. "Anyway, come back for it! Now get out of my orphanage!"

With that she all but pushed us out the door calling goodbye after us as we got into the car and drove away, Peter humming some weird song in the backseat.

**I've decided to stop asking for reviews, since it sparks so much stupid controversy when i ask for them, so if you like it or have something constructive to say from now until it's over, please continue. If you don't like it... GO AWAY AND STOP TELLING ME YOU DON'T! It's called : Unleash your imagination for a reason and if you can't handle that, go read someone else's work. Thank you for your respect :D**


	15. Downhill

**I heart all those who read and say sweet things :) Ya'll are the best!**

From the moment we stepped through the door back into our house, I knew our lives were going to be crazier than ever before. The first thing the three of us saw was Nickolai and Matthias trying to make pancakes. And failing epically. I didn't understand how it was possible to get batter halfway across the room from where the griddle was, sizzling and hot, but they somehow had and Hanatamago was now licking contentedly at a puddle of batter on the floor. Not only that, but the two themselves were smothered from head to toe in ingredients and arguing about… who knew what. It sounded like something personal that had nothing to do with breakfast of any sort.

Ignoring them, I showed Peter where he would be sleeping while we were taking care of him. "It doesn't have anything in it yet… we figured you'd want to have your own choices!" I explained. "But it had a bed and we have some clothes already… we'll go shopping later, maybe tomorrow."

He stared around at his new space, smiling with joy. "Okay! By the way, who are those guys in the kitchen and why are they making pancakes? It's already almost one in the afternoon!"

"Uh… friends. They'll be living here for a little bit, just until they can start taking care of themselves again, so I suppose I might as well go introduce you to everybody!" Peeking out to be sure their argument was over, I took Peter out to the kitchen, where Berwald was standing over the freeloaders while they scrubbed the floor, with the help of the dog's tongue. "You hungry?" I asked him as we walked around. "It looks like they may have made something… semi-edible… okay, you know what, I'll make you a snack instead!"

"Who's the midget?" asked Matthias, who paused in his work to look up at Peter.

"Sir, I am not a midget! My name is Peter and these are my foster mum and dad! I'm only ten, so I'm small, but I won't be forever! Oh!" he shouted, turning to me. "Can you make scones? Do you know how? I haven't had any since I left England…"

I hesitated for a second, throwing out the goop on the "pancake" plate. "Uh… scones? I've never made a scone before, but if you tell me how to make them, I'll definitely try!" I told him, with a fake confident smile on my face.

Peter gazed off into space, his eyes alight with memories. "I don't know how to make them… Mum always made the best scones ever before she got killed. She always told me every one was filled with the love she felt for me and Dad, and that's why they tasted so good! But if you don't know how then it's fine."

"Okay, sorry I asked." Matthias, who had been looking at us through the conversation, went back to scrubbing while Berwald looked on, annoyed that they had destroyed our kitchen.

I didn't really expect it when he looked up at me, face drawn and exhausted, and said, "G't to go b'ck to w'rk. Don't let th'm st'p." He turned to leave, grabbing his jacket and walking out while telling Peter, "I'll make y'u sc'nes when I g't home."

I watched, concerned, as he left the house. That was a look I didn't think I'd ever seen on his face before. Maybe it was because we hadn't slept at all the night before. Maybe it was because he absolutely loathed Matthias. Either way, he had looked pale and maybe even… sick? It was hard to tell. All I knew was that he was working way too hard. Still deep in thought, I helped finish cleaning the kitchen, trying to pay attention to Peter's stories and worry over Berwald at the same time. By the time the place was back to its old cleanliness, it was almost time for dinner.

When Peter had realized I wasn't really listening to him, he had run off with Hanatamago, playing sort of ridiculous game that involved running around the house and screaming, which was what he was still doing as I put away the last dish. My headache started to creep back ever so slowly into my temples, causing me to grit my teeth every time I heard Peter's shrill screeches and making me what to just go lay down and sleep. But I had chosen to foster this kid, which meant I actually had to make sure he wasn't in any danger and watch over him like I had promised to, no matter how cruddy I felt. Slowly, I pulled myself over to the couch and collapsed with a sleepy sigh.

"Guess what?" Peter yelled as he leapt up beside me. "Guess what, Mummy! Hanatamago is my favorite doggy ever!"

I laughed, but my heart wasn't really in it. "Yeah? He's mine too!"

Hanatamago, sensing we were talking about him, barked and jumped up into Peter's lap, licking his face repeatedly. The white fluff ball spazzed around for a few more seconds before curling up into a tiny lump and sighing with contentment, waiting for somebody to pet him. Giving in, I reached over and stroked him, smiling when I heard him give a sort of purr-like noise of satisfaction. Even Peter seemed calmer now, silently petting one hand across the dog's head and giggling when he heard the noise. I checked the clock, anxiety starting to wear me down. Thinking about making dinner caused my head to spin, so I decided the safest thing would be to just order pizza or something.

So that was what I did, not even bothering to seek out where Matthias and Nickolai had disappeared to and ask them what kind they liked. I just called and ordered it, then decided to call Berwald at work and ask him to come home. It was about six… so he was at his last job of the day, which was working as some rich person's maid. He cleaned their mansion in exchange for a good amount of cash, it was true, but I was sure this job was the one that was hurting him the most. It was a lot of work… As his cell phone rang and rang, I started to get worried, until he finally picked up on the last ring.

"H'llo?"

"Are you on your way home now or was it really bad?" I asked, knowing that some days were worse than others.

"I'm on m'way home," he told me. "Bye."

He hung up. I stared at the phone for a little while longer, in slight disbelief. He had actually, in a way, hung UP on me. Puzzled, I groaned and pressed the "end" button, just wishing for a good night's sleep tonight. I hated that I sounded like an old man at eighteen years old, but all I wanted was some rest.

The pizza guy and Berwald ended up getting to the house at about the same time, which meant that Berwald ended up walking in holding a few pizza boxes and watching, amused, as Peter freaked about getting to have pizza for dinner. Slinging his jacket onto the couch, he went to the kitchen table and put the food down, got some plates and set up for only three people. Obviously, he was hoping our two house guests were already gone. But, the second we sat down and got our food, they suddenly appeared out of nowhere, hunger driving them to come out of hiding, and snatched up whatever was left.

Matthias made some kind of joke that caused Berwald to glare at him and Peter to laugh wildly, but it was like I was watching a silent movie. I couldn't really hear anyone, just see their faces as they enjoyed their dinner and had a good time, playing around. I didn't know why I didn't join them. Maybe it was exhaustion. But the second I finished my dinner, I excused myself and went to bed, falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, hoping that Berwald would take care of Peter for a bit…

And then I heard the cough.

It was something I hadn't noticed before, at dinner. I had been so out of it that I hadn't even begun to care about anything but going to sleep. I was pulled fully out of my dreamless slumber as I felt somebody get in the bed beside me… and I heard him cough again. It was a horrible sound, like nails on a chalkboard in my mind. I shot up straight, looking at the clock. It was about eleven now… surely he had gone to bed before now…? Nervously, I peeked over at Berwald, who appeared to be sleeping soundly.

Appeared to be. But he wasn't snoring.

I kept staring, praying that it had been a terrible dream and that he was really asleep. I was given my answer not two seconds after I had asked. His eyes shot open and he shook with the force of the cough that wracked through him. He brought his hand away trembling, but then he tried to close his eyes again and go back to sleep. My heart started throbbing for different reasons than usual. Timidly, I shifted over in the bed so that I was right next to him and brought my hand up to feel his forehead. Again, his eyes opened, but this time it was just so he could look at me curiously.

"You sound sick," I muttered, "But you don't have a fever… are you feeling alright?"

He stared at me and then nodded, putting his arms around me and pulling me tightly into is bare chest. I felt his heart beating rapidly against the side of my face, his inner anxiety now revealed to me as he coughed again, bringing his hand up to cover his mouth. This time when he brought it away, I was sure that I saw blood. Terrified, I jumped up again and grabbed his hand, looking at it everywhere. When I found it completely blood-free, I took a deep breath and laid back down, wrapping my arms around him.

"Berwald…" I breathed, feeling his tension. Wanting to ease his nerves and my own, I leaned over to press my lips against his.

Only to have him turn his head away from me.

If I had ever been heartbroken before that moment, it was NOTHING compared to what I felt now. My head started pounding, tears threatening the back of my eyes, and a blush flooded through my face. Not once had I ever thought about being rejected… feeling shaky, I turned away from him, slightly nauseated. Maybe… maybe he just didn't feel like kissing me tonight. After all, he'd had a long day and we had been up a long time last night… Comforting myself with these thoughts, I eventually fell back asleep, without another peep from Berwald.

The next few months seemed to go like that, with insanity all around and Berwald always being exhausted. And his cough never went away. It grew increasingly worse, so much so that sometimes he couldn't even get out a whole word before he had to stop. I had also decided that because he could be adopted at any moment, I would home school Peter instead of sending him to public school, where he would have to always be on the same level with everyone else. Finally, Nickolai and Matthias moved out, their apartment returned to them because they actually remembered to pay the rent. I was outwardly happy with life… but inside my mind, I was in turmoil.

I had never imagined that fostering a kid could change so much in such a short time. I hated how Berwald and I never seemed to have time to spend together alone anymore, except when we slept together at night. And by then, we were too fatigued to do anything but sleep. There was always someone or something in the way during the day. It was taking its toll on him too… So I decided to put my foot down. Tomorrow, Peter was going to sleep over at his friend Raivis's (who he had met at swimming lessons) house or we were going to hire a babysitter to watch him. That was that.

That night after I had already put Peter in bed and Berwald had to stay at work late, I was sitting on the couch, waiting for him to come home so that I could tell him my plans for the weekend, watching TV and barely keeping my eyes open. When I heard his car pull in, I sat up in weird excitement, nervous about what he would say to my plan. Just as he opened the door and I was about to welcome him home, he went into another coughing fit that caught my greeting in my throat and had me rushing over to him. When he was quiet, I tried to speak again, only to watch in horror as he shakily took away his hands, revealing that they were covered in a sticky, red liquid.

My breath caught in my throat. "Oh my God…" I whispered in disbelief. Feeling a weird calm spread over me, I quickly took one of his bloody hands and dragged him to the car, deciding against everything I'd been taught and leaving Peter home alone.

Berwald seemed to be way too calm. He was quiet, as usual, but he wouldn't meet my eyes. I knew what that meant; he'd been trying his hardest to keep me from finding out. He'd been coughing up blood for awhile now. Which would explain why he had tended to kiss me less… he'd been afraid I'd taste the blood on his mouth. Trying to remain calm and collected, I drove him to the hospital, where we waited in the waiting room for almost four hours for a doctor to help.

"How long?" I demanded, trying not to yell and burst into tears simultaneously. "How long have you been HIDING this from me?"

His face paled even further in the dim white light as he closed his eyes and muttered, "I didn't w'nt y'u to w'rry…"

I couldn't answer. I had nothing to say to him now.

After a little while, the doctor finally came and gave him the diagnosis that surprised me and yet made perfect sense all at the same time. He was suffering from severe stress, so bad that he was literally making himself sick, possibly killing himself slowly. I couldn't believe it… I had finally decided to take a stand against our limited alone time together and he had coughed up blood. I felt like our lives were going downhill… and on the drive home, I let him know exactly how I felt, tears starting to fill in my eyes.

"Look, I know you didn't want to worry me, but now I'm even more worried than I would have been! Berwald… I think that you should quit two of your jobs."

The shock was easily visible on his face. "G't to have m'ney for Pet'r."

I glanced over at him miserably. "I know… But money isn't everything, okay? He needs you to spend time with him, so that he knows you still love him! I mean, sure without money we wouldn't even get to foster him, but I think he just wishes that his Daddy would stay h-home one night and play with him…" My lip quivered and it showed in my voice.

A silence settled over the two of us until we reached the driveway. Then, quieter than usual, I heard him say, "Y'u too."

Wiping away some stupid stray tears, I turned to him and asked, "What?"

"Y'u w'nt me home…"

Feeling defeated, I nodded and whispered, "Please… I really miss you."

And for once, he seemed to act without thinking about it first, pulling me over to him and kissing me with more passion and feeling than he had since the day before we'd gotten Peter. I could taste the blood he'd hacked up, but I didn't care. It felt good having his mouth against mine again for the first time in so long, and I almost began to wonder if I could contain myself until tomorrow, when Peter went to Raivis's. I kissed him back with equal feeling, forcing him to kiss me harder when I wrapped my hands through his hair and pressed him closer against me. My heart leapt in my chest, obviously surprised to have this amount of action after such a long time of lifelessness. Every part of me was starting to get excited… until he pulled away, ending the kiss and sending us both into panting fits.

I decided this was the perfect moment to bring it up… "Hey, Berwald, I was wondering… do you care if Peter sleeps over at Raivis's house tomorrow night?"

His eyes widened slightly, probably surprised that Peter had asked to have a sleepover at someone's house (which he hadn't) but he shook his head, seemingly confused by my timing. I felt the first real smile I'd had in ages slide onto my face and I laughed.

"Well then, let's continue this _then."_


	16. Frustrated

**Phew! I'm FINALLY done with this stupid chapter! Thanks all you guys and gals for being awesome reviewers ;D**

When we got back in the house, the first thing I did was check to be sure that Peter hadn't disappeared or anything. Thankfully, he lay there in his bed, completely unconscious and definitely dreaming. I watched with amusement as his face twitched with the emotions he felt, talking even in his sleep about nonsensical things. I gave a relieved sigh before turning around and heading to the bedroom, trying not to imagine how awful it would be if the orphanage had found out that I had left him totally alone. Lazily, I just ripped off my shirt and crawled into bed, where Berwald lay, staring up at the ceiling wearily. I snuggled up close to him, the warmth that came off his skin making me drowsy. Before I could collapse, I made sure that I struggled my way up to give him a small goodnight kiss. Within seconds after, I fell back down, my eyes closing quickly as I let exhaustion overcome me.

As every morning, I was awakened by the sound of Berwald's shrieking alarm breaking through my peaceful dreams. I felt him start trying to get up with a quiet groan, but before he could make it out of the bed, I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back down. When he turned and gave me a puzzled look, I felt a little self-conscious explaining it to him.

"Y-You're sick," I mumbled. "You should stay home today…" Secretly, I prayed that he couldn't hear the pleading in my tone.

But of course, it WAS Berwald.

With a moderate pause, he looked from the clock to me, before giving in and lying back down, obviously pained by the action. I doubted he had ever missed a day of work before today. I promised myself I wouldn't let him regret it for a second, no matter what. Still kind of tired but unable to sleep, I took his hand in mine before closing my eyes, hoping to drift out for awhile. And I did, until Berwald started coughing again, the sound wet and thick, painful to my ears. It was something that symbolized his stress, his discomfort with life. Which included me. Anxiously, I clutched his hand tighter in mine, opening my eyes in the darkness and glancing over just in time to see blood drip down the side of his mouth.

Just as I reached over to wipe it off, the bedroom door slammed open and Hanatamago came flying onto the bed, tongue colliding with my face, followed by Peter, who slid in beside me. His eyes were bright, probably because he was excited that it was the weekend, which meant no school. The open door revealed that the sun had already risen, and was stretching through it, casting its rays directly into my eyes.

"Good morning!" Peter shouted. "Guess what Mum! Hanatamago didn't pee in my room last night!"

I gave a sleepy chuckle and let my head fall back down, putting a hand on the dog's fluffy head and muttering, "Good boy. Now if only you could do that EVERY night…" I tried to ignore it when Berwald got up and went into the bathroom, holding a hand over his mouth.

Unfortunately, Peter didn't know to leave it alone and looked after his "father" curiously. "What's the matter with Daddy? Is he ill?"

"Uh…" I said, not exactly sure how to answer that. "Yeah… he's a little bit sick, so he's staying home from work today. Don't worry though; it's not contagious."

Satisfied with that as an answer, he leaped back off the bed, calling behind him, "Can you make waffles for breakfast today?"

With a sigh, I shouted back. "Sure!" I pulled myself up, yanked on some new clothes, fixed my hair, and followed him out, whistling for the dog, who bounded happily at my heels.

Waffles were an easy thing to make for me, especially with a waffle maker, so I just made a few and threw them on a plate, setting down the maple syrup and butter, watching as my hungry child mauled them. I made one for myself and a few for Berwald, who still hadn't left the room yet. Deciding now was a good time, since we were alone and together, I chose to bring up the sleepover idea with Peter.

"So how are they?" I asked, grinning as he gave me a thumbs up, syrup all over his mouth. "Peter… I was just wondering…normal kids your age like to stay at their friends houses overnight so that they can hang out… so, would you like to have a sleepover with one of your friends tonight?"

He paused in his chewing and looked up at me, cheeks filled, distraught look on his face. After a minute he swallowed, his expression lightening, and asked, "Do you mean have one of my friends stay over here? That would be really fun! Oh, I want to invite Raivis over!"

Rubbing the back of my head and laughing awkwardly I said, "Uhm… not exactly. I meant, do you think maybe you can get someone to ask you to stay at their place? Dad and I are… we're going out tonight and we need a babysitter for you. All night… So maybe if, like, at swimming you could bring it up or something, that would be helpful."

He chewed again, looked a little hesitant, but then finally nodded and told me, "I'll try!"

I exhaled, relieved, wondering if there was any way this would turn out the way I hoped it would.

At around noon, Berwald had finally come out, but refused to eat anything. The more I coaxed, the less he seemed to say, so I eventually let it drop and told Peter to go get ready to go to class. He came back out, bag slung over his shoulder, swimsuit on, ready to go, and we got in the car, Berwald coming too after some slight reluctance. The drive to the pool was short and soon we were in, kids already everywhere and diving into the warm, heated water. I watched with a sort of paternal happiness as Peter searched the crowd and ran off, finding who he was looking for. An older boy with curly brown hair and blue eyes was waving at him, big smile stretching across his lips. When I saw Berwald's eyebrows furrow with concern, I decided to explain with more detail.

"That's Raivis, Peter's best friend. He's going to ask if he can stay over at Raivis's tonight."

He stared a little longer before saying, "He's old'r."

I shrugged and said, "Yeah, he is a little older, but I don't think by that much. I mean, he's still pretty short, so I'd say he's eleven-ish."

Berwald shook his head, but said nothing else. Peter bound up to us excitedly, babbling about Raivis's mom saying yes and after that, it was all just a blur of rapid words. I decided it was time to say goodbye until the lesson ended, so Berwald and I left. In the car, it was difficult to keep my excitement inward as we headed back home. We were going to have a whole night, all to ourselves. I wondered if Berwald's mind was even in the same place as mine was… by the look on his face, I doubted it. He seemed far away, deep into the depths of his own thoughts. I suppressed a sigh of frustration at myself, starting to wonder why I had even done this in the first place, when I had no clue how to even start it up again.

When we got home, I offered to make him something to eat, since he hadn't eaten all day, but he declined, claiming he still wasn't hungry and that his head hurt. With that, he proceeded to lock himself in the bedroom to most likely get some more sleep. Growing even more disheartened, I threw myself on the couch with a growl, trying to keep my scowl when Hanatamago flew up onto my lap and started to lick my face. I lost it, laughing and petting him, cooing his name like I was talking to a child. Suddenly, I found myself spilling my feelings to him, a little white fluff ball.

"Hana, I don't know what to do! It's been so long that we've been together… and we still haven't… you know… successfully anyway. We've tried a few times, but something always gets in the way! And then we adopted Peter and there was just no chance and now Berwald's sick and coughing up blood! Ugh, I really must be crazy to think that I can get him to do this. H-He probably won't even want to, so I don't know why I'm bothering to think about it." My face fell. "Yeah… I really want to, but I doubt he feels the same… this sucks."

Hanatamago stared at me, black eyes bright, head cocked to the side as if he were really listening. With an intense bark, he leapt off my lap and ran off to go do who-knew-what. Dog stuff. Grumpily, I turned on the TV and watched Mexican soap operas until it was time to go pick up Peter.

When I got there, Peter had a lot to say, as usual. Apparently he had swum the farthest in the class, which meant that we would get a free lesson sometime soon. I was secretly relieved to hear that, but I paid attention to the rest of what he had to say before we got home, where he packed up his things, and I brought him over to Raivis's house, kissing him on the top of the head and sending him on his way. For awhile, as weird as it was, I just drove around, doing nothing in particular, before I actually got up the courage to go home, deciding that I was way out of my league anyway.

When I walked in the door, the first thing I saw was Hanatamago, tail wagging rapidly, something in his mouth again, just like the first time I had seen him. Only this time, it wasn't white. Curious, I walked towards him slowly, my hands up, hoping that he wouldn't run away. But, of course, the moment I was within reaching distance, he took off, hiding in the tiniest and most impossible spots to reach, just like he always did when he was being naughty. Feeling a little stupid, I followed after him, grabbing out and missing him by centimeters, trying to ignore it when I heard a small bark that sounded suspiciously like a mischievous laughter to my ears. With every passing second, I was getting more and more discontented… until finally, I reached my breaking point.

I was totally frustrated, mind and body, and I'd had just about enough of this stupid little dog playing around with me.

Instead of lashing out angrily like most people would have, I just sank to my knees, trying not to cry like an overly sensitive teenage girl. Seeing the defeat in my eyes, Hanatamago sauntered up to me, sitting right in front of me and dropping his treasure into my lap so he could lick my hands, trying to console me and apologize for what he had done. I gave him an ear scratch, just because he was too cute for me not to pet, and picked the slobber-coated bottle up, reading it.

My face flamed and the bottle slid back out of my hand and onto the ground, where the dog gave it another lick. Hastily, I picked it up again and shoved it under a couch cushion, not sure what else to do with something like that. Shaking with embarrassment, I looked at the puppy in front of me and asked, my voice jumping a few octaves, "WHERE did you GET that?"

My voice loud and angry, his ears went back and he ran away from me, tail between his legs in fear. Still flushed, I walked around the room for a few seconds, running my hand through my hair in shock, before I gave in to my burning desire and pulled it back out, investigating it closer, suddenly relieved that Berwald hadn't left the bedroom the entire afternoon. Biting my lip, my arms quivering, I suddenly wondered where we had gotten it in the first place. I sure would never go out and buy something like this… and I was pretty sure Berwald never would either. But if neither of us bought it, then where had it come from.

I twirled it in my grasp nervously, looking down when I suddenly felt something brush my hand… it was a tag. I pulled it off and brought it to my face, skimming the words… and I had never wanted to yell at certain Danish man more in my life.

_"Just thought you might be gettin' busy someday, so I decided to give you a free donation! Call me the lube express! Happy Love Making! –Matthias P.S. It's cherry-flavored!"_

I crumpled the note up in my fist, my un-reddening cheeks blazing up again. I was in complete disbelief at the nerve that guy had, sending over our puppy with LUBE IN HIS MOUTH! I was so utterly furious that I barely noticed when the bottle was plucked from my hand. It took me a minute, but when I realized it had, I spun around and was met with a broad chest in the face. And saw what this looked like.

"N-no! Th-the dog! And Matthias put the note… It wasn't ME!" I tried to explain, shoving the crumpled up piece of paper at Berwald hastily.

He took it swiftly and read it, and I watched as his expression changed from moderate surprise to complete annoyance in ten seconds flat. He re-crumpled the note, tossed it into the garbage can, and handed the lube bottle back to me, my surprised hands almost dropping it onto the floor. The intensity of his stare had increased as he looked down at me, embarrassed and holding something I never thought I ever would. I was uncomfortable, so I threw it back onto the couch, my eyes wide and my breath coming quicker.

This wasn't exactly the way I had planned it out in my head… Actually, I hadn't planned it at all. But if I had, lube would never have been involved, especially the cherry kind. Before I could convince myself to stop, I threw my arms around him and got on my tippy toes to kiss him, loving the way his mouth fit on mine and wanting more from the moment our lips touched. I wound my hands through his hair like I had last night in the car, pressing him closer, giving him the extra little push he needed to get into it. His arms trailed down my body, gently caressing me while actually intending to get my clothes off. I let him, not even caring enough to be self-conscious anymore, and my grip on him tightened, a small moan coming from my throat as he got both of us naked faster than either time before and laid me down on the floor, the cherry lube the only witness to these sins…

The night didn't last long enough for me. When the sun started to come through the windows, I couldn't believe how fast it had gone. I opened one eye wearily and closed it again when I saw the face of my angel brightened by the bright rays, almost like God was trying to remind me what Berwald was. My body was really sore, particularly in my lower regions, but despite the pain, I was satisfied, relieved.

Berwald, during the whole course of the night, hadn't coughed once.

He looked peaceful now, his face loose and childish in his sleep, like it always had been. I wanted to stare at it forever, just watching him dream… But when I tried, he woke up, looking over at me and smiling, sitting up with a grunt. Comfortable where I was, I didn't even try to follow his lead. I was too tired… Carefully, I felt him pick me up and bring me to the bedroom, where we had never made it last night, and place me on the bed, leaving the room with one last kiss to my forehead.

Drowsily, I listened as the day unfolded without me, the sounds of life abundant, especially after Berwald came home with Peter, who apparently had had a lot of fun at Raivis's and couldn't wait to go back over and do it again. I smiled as I heard the sounds of him playing and started wishing that we could adopt him for real, know for sure he belonged with us and that nobody was going to come and take him away, and break this family apart… I never wanted it to end. I spent the whole day dosing in and out, and when night finally came around and Berwald laid down next to me, I had to tell him what I had been dying to since he put me here.

"Thank you…" I told him sincerely. "Thank you for everything you do…"

And we both collapsed into real sleep, the day over and gone.

The next morning began like any other, with Hanatamago flying onto me and Peter following suit, not long after. But this morning was different for one reason and one reason only. Peter didn't call a good morning to either of us, just held something in his hand and looked extremely confused, pulling himself in bed next to me and handing me a bottle.

"Mummy," he asked, his voice innocent. A little TOO innocent. "I found this on the couch yesterday. What's lube?"

**Smile! You got Tatered!**


	17. When You Say Nothing At All

"Y-yesterday?" I was completely shaken. I had never imagined we'd forget the lube on the couch! No parent should ever have to look their child in the eyes and try to explain to them what lube was. It wasn't fair… "Uh… it's… lotion," I heard myself mutter as my face flamed and I tried to pull to from his hands.

His eyes brightened and his grubby hands clung to the bottle tighter. "My elbows have been a little ashy lately… can I borrow your lotion for a bit? Please, Mummy?"

I let out an uncomfortable laugh and told him, "Uh, no that's Mummy's lotion…" pulling as hard as I could. I couldn't believe how strong this kid was! Or was it how weak _I_ was…?

"Please Mummy!" he wailed, tugging harder. "If it's just lotion, then why can't I use it? Just because I'm English and not Nordic doesn't mean I can't use the same lotion as you!"

"P-Peter... please just give it back to me. Please. It has nothing to do with race." I was starting to sound desperate and I knew that was probably not the way to actually get him to stop, but I couldn't bring myself to yell at him, no matter how much I wanted to.

With an obnoxious whine, he succeeded in tearing it from my hands and started to try to leave the room, but like a bolt of Swedish lightning, Berwald was already there and had scooped him up, throwing me the lube and leaving the room, our child protesting in his arms. Curious, I caught the bottle and watched him leave, his poker face unreadable. For about half a second it was deathly quiet, not a sound audible in the whole house, leaving me wondering just what it was he was doing…

And then the screaming began.

Within seconds, I had leapt out of the bed and made my way to the living room, terrified. He had been abused as a child… but could Berwald really become abusive too? The answer was clear the minute I was out of the room. No, no he could not.

He had taken one of Matthias's old moving boxes from a couple months ago out of the cupboard, written "punishment" on the side in Sharpie, and had placed it over Peter's body and was shaking him in it while he shrieked in terror, begging Berwald, who looked totally impassive, to stop and let him out. I could only stare, unable to decide whether this was horrifying or a just thing to do… one thing I knew for sure was that it was a really bizarre method of punishment no matter how you looked at it. Did this count as abuse? He wasn't really hurting him… so no.

It lasted for about a minute before he pulled the box off Peter, who now had crazy hair and the most mortified expression on his face that I had ever seen. He was staring up at Berwald in bewilderment, his eyes wide. Then he turned and looked at me, then back at his dad, then back at me, like he expected me to do something.

"Don't b'ther y'ur Mom, Pet'r. And don't touch l'be."

I had a feeling he wouldn't do either for a long, long time.

_1 year later_

I had known this moment would come. I had tried to mentally prepare myself. I had been warned. But my heart had just refused to listen. And now, now… it was breaking. As I stared at the letter in front of me, I felt everything I had worked for over the past year dissipate into nothingness. I couldn't stop reading the words, though they stabbed my heart every time…

_Peter Kirkland has been adopted by the Bradstreet family, who we've investigated thoroughly and have found to be a good home for him. This is a notice that you will need to have Peter brought back to All Saint's Orphanage on Saturday, January 1__st__. There you will meet the family and be introduced to them before saying goodbye. Thank you for your cooperation and foster care. Please enjoy the rest of your time with him._

_Sister Annie_

January first? Hadn't I been adopted just the day before that? And the Bradstreet family… the name sounded familiar, though only marginally… It wasn't like it mattered. No matter who they were, they were taking away our baby. Filled with despair, I took another look at today's date… that gave us two more days. At least we had gotten to spend Christmas with each other. At least we had gotten a year. My mind vehemently tried to go through all the "at leasts" it could, but I knew it didn't matter how many there were… this was still the end. There would be no more. Could be no more.

"Mum? What's that?"

I turned around, wiping my eyes the best I could, to see Peter standing behind me, looking nothing but concerned. He wanted to know… and I had to tell him.

"P-Peter…" I breathed, my voice shaking while I tried to put up a good front, one full of excitement, so he wouldn't know what this was doing to me. "I have good news for you! You're getting adopted!"

He stared at me a moment, peculiarly, before bursting into laughter and stealing the letter from my hand, scanning it. With every line he read, the laughter faded more, and by the time he got to the end, he wasn't even smiling. "No," he said, his voice choked. "It has to be a prank. It HAS to be…"

I wanted so badly to tell him it was. I wanted to laugh and joke with him, muss his hair and say, "Just joking! You'll always be here with me and Dad, no matter what!" but I couldn't. I had never mentioned the possibility of him being adopted to him, being too afraid of his reaction… the consequences… but now I was wishing I had told him from the beginning, so that his small heart didn't have to break, like mine had so many times. I could have prepared him for this, but instead he was staring up at me, his eyes quickly filling with tears, taken completely off guard.

"I don't want to leave!" he cried, panicking. "Please don't make me go! I'll be a good boy! I'll clean my room every single day and I'll do the dishes and… and… I'll even clean up after Hanatamago! Please don't make me, Mummy!"

It broke me. Just hearing him plead and being able to do NOTHING. What kind of parent was I? I shook my head, turning away. "Peter… you have to go. I'm sorry."

I squidged my eyes shut and bit my lip hard, anticipating what was coming next.

"I HATE YOU!" he yelled, running to his room and slamming the door loudly, over and over.

He had become fond of saying that lately, and I had begun to ignore it, but this time, I felt it deeply. What could I have done, as a parent, differently? How could I have prevented this? I couldn't have. That, in itself, was what made me a failure. In every sense, I had failed Peter and now he was sobbing in his room. Because of me. There was nowhere to turn… and I didn't even want to begin to think of telling Berwald.

He was strong, yes, but in the same sense he was as fragile as a shard of glass.

Every word I said affected him in some way. He was sensitive; it was hard not to. But his coughing had just finally stopped… he was perfectly happy. And now I would have to tell him that part of the life we had built was being taken away, the beating heart in the body of our family.

Full of pain, I checked the clock, knowing that Berwald would be coming home sometime soon… and was surprised to find that it was later than I had thought. And hear the car door slam as he got out. The front door creak open as he walked in. The luminous stare he gave me. I hadn't had time to prepare myself yet and it was as if I were walking onto a stage in front of a large crowd without my lines memorized. I felt nauseous… he knew something was wrong… I couldn't hide it, not from those eyes…. He would figure it out… Unable to contain my misery, I fell into his arms and cried, my tears streaking down his shirt as I clung on for dear life.

He slipped the letter from my hand and read it carefully, his face hardening. When he was done he let it fall from his grasp, drift slowly to the ground, a browned leaf on a frigid autumn day… he held me more tightly then, his eyes closed and his expression pained. Calm, but pained. Gently, he stroked my back, muttering words that I wasn't really meant to hear or understand.

"Don't w'rry… "I depicted. "We're going to f'ght."

And, weirdly, I knew exactly what he meant. He had one job now; he had quit the other two. He had been promoted; we now made enough to substantiate ourselves and Peter. By fostering him, we had learned how to be emotionally stable and care for him, provide all we could. Maybe… maybe now it was time to adopt him? Time to try? If we fought, at least we would be comfortable with the knowledge that we had TRIED, instead of just giving him up carelessly. I nodded into his chest.

We had to make him ours.

Over the next two days, we did absolutely everything we could with him. Just because we had made up our minds to counter the Bradstreet's didn't mean we would win. So we spent all the time in the world doing what he wanted, going out and having fun. When the day came, I could hardly believe it. Time had gone by so fast… and now, we were going into war. As we drove to the orphanage, the car was silent with apprehension and prayers. He had to be ours. He just had to be. We pulled into the drive about fifteen minutes later, shuffling slowly toward the door when we got out, each of us holding one hand of our son. We had even brought Hana along, who trotted along at our feet, just in case we really did have to say goodbye. Peter wouldn't want to leave without saying his final goodbye to Hanatamago.

Trying to think happy thoughts, we stepped through the door and made our way to Sister Monet's office, only to find that she was outside it, angrily protesting something to Sister Annie. She didn't even see us, just kept on with her ranting.

"…Didn't even come see ME, the headmaster, FIRST! Now these people think they're getting themselves a little boy when really, they AREN'T! You hear me? I'm not letting them take Peter away from Berwald and Tino! They need him a heck of a lot more than the family in there right now! Do you even realize who that family IS? Annie, that's the SAME FAMILY THAT ADOPTED TINO! That's his SISTER! Can you IMAGINE the drama that'll pass if we let this happen? I'm sorry, but there ain't no way I'm letting…"

And then she saw us, standing there, the three of our faces identically shocked.

With a pained smile, she said, "Hi guys! You three can just scoot on back home now, because Peter hasn't been adopted and as far as I'm considered, he never will be." Basically, it was like an "F YOU" to Sister Annie, who looked so angry that she was about to destroy her co-nun.

"Act'lly, we're ad'pting him," Berwald said, after a short pause.

Blinking a few times, Sister Monet seemed to recover from her anger and she told us, "Why, that would be perfect! Just come into my office! But first I need to finish with some other…"clients." She disappeared for a moment.

After some time, the door opened and I was met with the face of the devil herself, followed by Eric, who looked exhausted by the whole situation. Holding his hand was their little girl, Emmi, who was around five or so now, who gave me a big grin and wave, like she… REMEMBERED me… It was like a whole different thing when she saw Berwald though.

"Big Brother!" she yelled, pulling from her dad and clinging to his legs. "Mama, Daddy, look! It's Big Brother and Uncle Tino!"

Eric laughed, stunned. "Whoa, yeah it is! How are you, Tino?"

"I'm…" I started, but was cut off by my sister's shrill voice.

"I should have known he was YOUR foster! How could you run away like that, Tino? I was really worried about you! Why don't you ever come back home? Emmi misses you so much, you know? And Berwald too!"

I gritted my teeth and muttered, "Don't act like you care about Berwald. I'm sorry Emmi misses me, but I'm never coming back. Asa, just get out of my life."

She stared at me a long while after that before peeling Emmi off Berwald's legs, taking Eric's hand, and walking away, with one more sisterly glance back before she walked out of my life. Hopefully forever. Sister Monet ushered us into her office after they were completely gone and we started the process… And, with the biggest smile she could give, she told us that soon, someday, Peter would truly, rightfully be our son. He would belong with us… he would be an honest to God true part of the family we had created together, three orphaned misfits…

_Another year gone by…_

"Peter! Hey, Peter, wait up!" I called after him as he ran off after Raivis.

He spun around, impatiently hopping up and down. "Yes? What?"

I chuckled inwardly at how anxious he was to go hang out with what I could only assume was his boyfriend, though he hadn't quite admitted that to us yet. "I love you!" I shouted, only to receive a scoff and eyeroll in return.

Despite that, I heard him call back, "Love you too!" before he took off again, grabbing onto his Latvian friend's hand and dragging him along forcefully.

"Be careful…" I whispered quietly to myself. With a sigh, I turned around, expecting to be cleaning the kitchen today.

Instead I found Berwald sifting through a bunch of CD's on the floor, inspecting each one before tossing it away and moving to the next one, scanning it, and repeating. Intrigued, I walked up behind him and asked, "What are you doing?"

He ignored me, his eyebrows furrowing deeper with every CD that was apparently wrong. He went through a few more before pausing at one, scanning it several times to be sure it was right, and then sticking it into the player, going through the songs quickly before stopping at one, kicking all the CD's off of the floor and under things, and holding out his hand to me. Astonished, I took it, unable to form words as he pulled me closer to him and the song started playing.

To my amazement, he started twirling me around, mimicking the dance moves we had learned so long ago at the orphanage, each one flowing just as easily as it had at the ball… And, of course, I was tripping over everything, ruining it. But somehow, this time around, it didn't matter to me. I couldn't help the laughter that came from my throat as we danced awkwardly around the living room to Alison Krauss's "When You Say Nothing At All." I tried to focus on my feet while still listening to the lyrics, every single one touching my heart…

We kept going for the whole three minutes that the song took, even when I screwed up. If I tripped us up, we just continued, both of us snickering by this time at how awful I was. When the song ended, I burst out into laughter that had me crying, my eyes closing with the force of my convulsions. I wiped them with my sleeve and reopened them, about to tell him how amazing he was, only to find that Berwald, while I had been laughing, had slipped down on one knee and was holding out… a ring. Just like that, my words were gone.

"Tino," he said, his voice heavy, "Will y'u please m'rry me?"

Now I realized that my life had come full circle. This was the end… as well as the beginning. I had started off a lonely orphan, praying for a friend. And now… all I had ever wanted in my life was right in front of me. The best part was that he had always needed me just as much as I had needed him. He was, after all, my angel, my gift from God.

"Only if you never leave," I told him, involuntary tears slipping down my face as I fell to the ground in front of him and held him close, the beating of his heart synced with mine.

"N'ver," he swore.

**Okay! A few things i must add here... 1. I didn't make up the box treatment, Sweden really did that to Sealand in a webcomic supposedly, only the box said "England" and not "punishment." 2. I totally don't own the song mentioned, i just think it fits, so you should listen to it :D 3. Yes, this may be the last one. Or maybe not. I might add a little somethin' somethin' if i feel like it. 4. When i said you got Tatered my last chapter, i was referring to my pen name. Some people didn't get it so... EXPLANATION! Thank ya'll for reading, i hope you continue to enjoy whatever i write :) So, once again i will say... you just got Tatered!**


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